The Agonist - Humor

Moving the Vice President's Office to Dubai

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 23:37:27 -0700

Juan Cole | March 14

Informed Comment - Item: US petroleum company Halliburton, which received billions of dollars in no-bid contracts from the Bush administration for work in Iraq, is moving its corporate headquarters to Dubai.

In other news, Vice President Dick Cheney announced Wednesday that he would be moving the Vice President's offices to Dubai, as well. "I'm under way too much scrutiny to risk living in the Naval Observatory much longer," he told reporters at a press conference held in the Ski Dubai Indoor Resort. "Besides, most of my marching orders come from Halliburton, Exxon Mobil, and the local oil sheikhs, and think how much I'll save on long distance calls."

Continued at link ...

Learning Patriotism from Haliburton

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 11:56:21 -0700

I know, I know, you didn't mean to hate freedom. You realize the error of your ways so here you are saying, Joaquin, how do I become a true American Patriot? You have come to the right place, my friend, because you know I used hate freedom too. Also, I used to hate babies, marriage and life too and I wanted to pay as much of my hard earned money as taxes as I possibly could. Yes, I was a tax and spend liberal but now I am a patriot and you too can give up your liberalness; all you need is a good dose of patriotism.

First of all, ask not what your country can do for you ask what you can do for your country. For example, Haliburton ask themselves that same question every day and that is why they are going to accept only dollars in payment for service at their new headquarters in Dubai. How patriotic is that? Would you accept only dollars if you moved to Dubai? No, you wouldn't and you are obviously not as patriotic as Haliburton and that is why you've come to me. See liberals love to pay taxes, tax and spend, that's what they are all about. Haliburton is patriotic and patriots don't pay taxes so Haliburton moved to Dubai where they won't pay any taxes! Now a lot of people are asking why did Haliburton move to Dubai? Are they just being patrotic? The answer is yes and you have to realize that Haliburton makes money from servicing American wars, i.e., their earnings come from U.S. taxpayers. Now if Haliburton were a taxpayer then they would just be paying themselves! It makes no sense! You see why Haliburton had to move?

Next you need to learn that patriotism involves volunteering to make the Middle East safe for patriots like Haliburton to build their headquarters; otherwise, everyone will be stuck in the states paying taxes and that, as we already proved, is not patriotic. Understanding why fighting in the Iraq war is patriotic is key to your rehabilitation from liberalism. Volunteer for the military and go to Iraq in order to give other U.S. corporations a chance to express their patriotism in the Middle East. How is Exxon going to make a profit while a bunch of Hadjis sit around and watch their children die of disease and malnutrition? You don't expect Exxon to feed them and provide health care do you? Where is the profit in that? Exxon might as well pay taxes; unpatriotic! The Hadjis are taking away Exxon's chance to be patriotic. The obvious solution is to go over to places like Iraq and teach the Hadjis to stop worrying about their children and be patriotic. That is why the US has a powerful military because at the end of the war there will be no children left to worry about.

Now you say, "but Joaquin, I volunteered, went to Iraq, and I shot some Hadji's, but one of them shot me and I can't get any health care and treatment for my medical and psychological disabilities". Well the nerve of them Hadjis but this is a big lesson, right here, in being patriotic. Heroic corporations like Haliburton are profiting from the war but, because they are patriotic, they have decided to forgo paying taxes. Do you expect Haliburton to pay taxes so you, selfish you, can be rehabilitated? That would make Haliburton into a bunch of sniveling liberals; think about it. Spend some time in a rat infested hospital with no doctors attendgin you so that Haliburton can erect that shining new headquarters in Dubai or are you a sniveling liberal coward? Hum'mm?

So now that you are rehabilitated, sit in your wheel chair, raise your right stump, and smile under those bandages because you are now a patriot!

Bush backs poverty fight in Guatemala

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 15:39:08 -0700

By Matt Spetalnick

CHIRIJUYU, Guatemala (Reuters) - President George W. Bush helped Guatemalan small farmers load crates of lettuce onto a truck on Monday to demonstrate the benefits of free trade in Latin America, where Washington's power is being questioned by leftist leaders.

Wearing a multi-colored traditional jacket, Bush lent a hand at the Labradores Mayas Packing Station cooperative begun by an indigenous farmer in the town of Chirijuyu.

"Free trade is important ... it's a gateway. It creates jobs in America and it creates jobs here," he told the farmers, who export vegetables to Wal-Mart stores in Central America.
Reuters Pictures
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Guatemala, led by conservative President Oscar Berger, is a U.S. partner in the Central American Free Trade Agreement, but is blighted by poverty, corruption and violent drug gangs.

It was the penultimate stop on Bush's five-nation, Latin American tour, a trip in which he has been dogged along the way by thunderous denunciations from his leftist nemesis in the region, Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez.

I'm Not Feeling Terribly Serious Today So . . .

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 18:35:07 -0800

. . . watch this and tell me if you can figure it out. I can't.

What Weird Keyword . . .

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 17:44:50 -0800

. . . gmail, google words search combo gave me this link? Bizarre.

Middle Ages Tech support

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 12:53:50 -0800

This is what a call to the HelpDesk used to look like.

Some things don't change.

If You're Bored . . .

Thu, 08 Mar 2007 09:08:22 -0800

. . . this ought to keep you occupied until I can get some posts up.

Shades of Peter Sellers?

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 06:34:16 -0800

Swiss Accidentally Invade Liechtenstein
By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS

ZURICH, Switzerland (AP) -- What began as a routine training exercise almost ended in an embarrassing diplomatic incident after a company of Swiss soldiers got lost at night and marched into neighboring Liechtenstein.

hattip: Anne

A spokesman for the Swiss army confirmed the story but said that there were unlikely to be any serious repercussions for the mistaken invasion.

''We've spoken to the authorities in Liechtenstein and it's not a problem,'' Daniel Reist told The Associated Press.

Officials in Liechtenstein also played down the incident.

Interior ministry spokesman Markus Amman said nobody in Liechtenstein had even noticed the soldiers, who were carrying assault rifles but no ammunition. ''It's not like they stormed over here with attack helicopters or something,'' he said.

Liechtenstein, which has about 34,000 inhabitants and is slightly smaller than Washington DC, doesn't have an army.

Read All About It!

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 14:58:12 -0800

Survey proves Wingers all think alike - no original thought found in entire wing-o-sphere!

Humor Is Good, Especially When The Irish Are Involved

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 09:36:58 -0800

This is an email from a buddy of mine who lives in London. Enjoy it, as it's not meant to be taken literally. It's a joke.

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the

British and the Irish, off the coast of Kerry, Oct 98. Radio conversation

released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98:

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South, to avoid a

collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North, to

avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to

the South to avoid a collision.

More after the jump

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British navy ship. I say again,

divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, You will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA! THE SECOND LARGEST

SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS,

THREE CRUISERS, AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR

COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR

COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse. Your call.

Monday morning joke.......

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 06:07:08 -0800

A man and a woman, who have never met before, but are both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were
both very tired and fell asleep quickly...he in the
upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying,
"Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into
the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend
that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get
your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

My Main Man . . .

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 20:48:59 -0800

. . . Cliff Schecter went on the Paula Zahn Show last week. He rocked the house. You can see the video here.

A pound of Oxycontin?

Oh my!

BREAKING: The Supreme Court . . .

Mon, 26 Feb 2007 18:22:17 -0800

. . . just awarded Al Gore's Oscar to President Bush.

Bush's Billionaires

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 11:36:29 -0800

I know many of you don't care for Matt Taibbi's abrasive writing style, but sometimes his articles just have to be read:

On the same day that Britney was shaving her head, a guy I know who works in the office of Senator Bernie Sanders sent me an email. He was trying very hard to get news organizations interested in some research his office had done about George Bush's proposed 2008 budget, which was unveiled two weeks ago and received relatively little press, mainly because of the controversy over the Iraq war resolution. All the same, the Bush budget is an amazing document. It would be hard to imagine a document that more clearly articulates the priorities of our current political elite.

Read it all, but be careful you're not drinking in front of a computer screen while you do so.

Our priorities are so out of whack it's pathetic.

Yesterday for weather, Toronto had "snain"

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:24:32 -0800

Graphic of how snain forms

I’ve never driven in snain. There have to be some Agonists that live in Toronto that did. Please recount your experience of driving in snain. How is snain different from sneet? (sleeet and snow) My guess is the snow does not completely evaporate into water and freeze on the windshield as it falls? Is that an accurate presumption on my part?

I wonder what other concoctions Global Warming has dreamed up that will occur in Northern latitudes? Will Canada experience hurricanes instead of tornados? Isn't the difference between hurricanes and tornados is that hurricanes form somewhat differently and do not compress into violent funnel formations? I understand US southern states experience both...most likely on a more frequent and intense basis.

Graphical representation from Toronto Star You may have to view the original graphic to read the writing on the left. Size constraints to not run over the margins here at Agonist prevented me from enlarging it to a convenient viewing size.