Washington, DC

May the Hagers have a good marriage, but not this :-)...

The Spoof -The final plot of habitable public space in the United States not continuously monitored by a surveillance camera finally came under the eye of the lens today in barren northern Alaska.

The device was activated by remote control from the White House by George Walker Bush Hager, the eight year old son of President Henry Hager and First Lady Jenna Bush Hager.

The camera will provide the final vital link needed to continuously monitor Inuit ice fishing and igloo building for permit violations, as well as to observe the remote, isolated, barren, frozen, forbidding, godforsaken, lonely, sparsely populated wilderness for any possible signs of terrorist activities.

May 8-14

1. Number Of Acceptable Things Candidates Can Say Now Down To Four

After Sen. Barack Obama's comments last week about what he typically eats for dinner were criticized by Sen. Hillary Clinton as being offensive to both herself and the American voters, the number of acceptable phrases presidential candidates can now say are officially down to four.

"There would still be five phrases available to the candidates if the Obama camp hadn't accused Clinton of saying 'Glad to be here' with a little tinge of sarcasm during a stump speech in North Carolina." chief Washington correspondent George Stephanopoulos said on Sunday's episode of This Week.

2. Economic Stimulus Check Burned for Warmth

Saying the extra bit of kindling material couldn't have come at a better time, 43-year-old Montana school teacher Tim Donaldson received his $618 rebate check from the Internal Revenue Service Tuesday, and then immediately burned it to provide warmth for his wife and two sons.

"It gets pretty cold here at night," said Donaldson, adding "I just want to thank the government for sending such a large check. It burned for quite a while." Donaldson, who could not afford matches or fuel to light the check, said he made do by placing the envelope's clear plastic address window at an angle underneath the sun to spark the initial flame, which his family then huddled around until they fell asleep.

When you stare into a bisque, a bisque stares back at you. In honor of Fafblog. Why? Well, why not?

Agonistas may find some enjoyment in Bob Ellis :
abc.net.au - unleashed - Last Monday Hillary Clinton said she'd "obliterate" Iran if Iran attacked Israel and on Tuesday picked up some Jewish, redneck, gun-loving, wog-hating, duck-shooting, Catholic and early-dementia votes in nursing homes and by 10 per cent won handily the "rust-belt", "lunch-bucket" and Amish-cluttered state of Pennsylvania in which she was leading by 30 per cent a month before.

"The road to the White House," she then exulted to her weeping followers, "runs through Pennsylvania!" - later amending this to "the road to Pennsylvania Avenue runs through Pennsylvania!"

see more crazy cat pics

Washington, DC | April 18

War for the White House

The Onion - After months of fevered and contentious political discourse, the U.S. populace unanimously agreed Monday that, before somebody gets upset and things get out of hand, it would be better to just stop talking about politics altogether.

Designed to reverse the trend of heated discussions on topics ranging from the Democrats' shifting stance on NAFTA to Sen. John McCain's support for the Iraq War, the nationwide change in subject is effective immediately.

"There's no point getting the country all riled up talking about politics, especially right before a big election like this," 43-year-old Pittsburgh resident Eric Daniels said. "With terrorism and the economy and all these other problems on our minds, nobody wants to talk about which candidate can best restore faith in America both at home and abroad."
"Baseball season just started," Daniels added. "How about them Pirates?"


In case any Agonist on Earth doesn't know after so many months of preparation, the Pennsylvania primary is Tuesday, April 22:-)

From Boing Boing: LOL! I love it!

Angela Balakrishnan | Potsdam, Germany | April 16

The Guardian - NASA has been outsmarted by a German schoolboy who corrected its estimates of the chances of an asteroid colliding with Earth, it was reported today.

The German Potsdamer Neueste Nachrichten newspaper said 13-year-old Nico Marquardt came across the NASA miscalculation after conducting a study as part of a regional science competition.

at Something Awful:

Reverse Magazines

Dinosaurs!

Heinrich J. Heideschopenburg, Ph.D.
Institut fur Lacherlichmusikwissenschaft, Zurich

Abstract: Research indicates that male starlings that eat worms tainted with sewage contamination suffer both physiological and behavioral consequences. Intriguingly, consuming contaminants such as estrogen and estrogen-like endocrine disrupters change the nature of the birds' songs, leading to concomitant ramifications for mating behavior. To what extent do these findings shed light on human musicianship, hormones, and mating patterns?

In a recent study conducted by researchers at the University of Cardiff in Wales and reported in the NYT, starlings were fed worms that are common in and around human sewage. These worms contain high levels of estrogen and similar compounds that are excreted naturally by humans and are a common fixture to industrial chemicals, food preservatives, and plastics. These contaminated worms are a fixture in the diets of today's British starling population, although studies conclusively demonstrate that the increased level of estrogen is not simply a result of them being British, as one might expect (though contradicted in III, George: 1776). American birds eat worms that are contaminated by similar substances, and they have similar estrogen levels.

April 11

upi - laugh or cry or rant... - mole

email from mom

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet
syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story
below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his
room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious, Dad. Can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into
his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back,
looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do. read the rest after the jump :D

Give the title of a movie that best describes your first sexual experience!

I'll go first: A Shot in the Dark

Kent Wicker | Washington | April 1, 2008

E-the-people - Too Big to Fail: Bush Administration Seeks Buyout or Bailout (Washington – WPM, 4/1/2008) -- Kent Wicker

The George W. Bush Administration, now valued at only a fraction of what it was selling for in 2004, is actively seeking a stronger partner to resucsitate its diminished value and prospects. Like Bear Stearns, a formerly formidable Wall Street investment firm saved from imminent collapse by a government-brokered rescue by JP Morgan Chase only because it was considered “too big to fail,” the Bush Administration today acknowledged that it too was seeking to merge with a previous, more successful administration, such as those of Presidents Reagan or Clinton.

[thinking we could probably all use a laugh about now - ES]

I can has cheez burger

Tis the season and all, please add your favorite peeps in comments

Gary Larsen was one of the funniest cartoonists in American history, but to this day some people don't know why, and that troubles me.

Recently, while searching for a different Larsen cartoon, I happened upon the title "Cow Tools" and was intrigued. It actually took awhile to find it, for Larsen apparently is rather possessive about his work, which is understandable. So was Picasso.

How financial institutions got into this fine mess:

flash slide presentation

h/t Big Glenn

Bear Stearn is up today well over its $2 sale price. This is due to the hot Ebay auction.

Jeffrey Skilling | England | March 8 2008

News.com/CNet - Three decades ago, Douglas Adams' sci-fi phenomenon The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy got its start as a serial on BBC Radio. In a story on BBC News on Friday, author Mark Vernon delves into some of the enduring themes and mysteries of Adams' cosmological sag

Teh Munkey by Jimbo92107

Put teh munkey in a cage
Den listen screech and watch he rage
He trow he shit, he scream and shout
But don't you let teh munkey out!

Whoso let teh munkey out?
See how he run amok and shout
He wreck de place and have he fun
At least teh monkey got no gun.

Whoso give teh munkey gun?
He love it loud, he tink it fun
He wave it round and bullets fly
He don't care if de people die.

Put teh munkey back in cage
Den listen screech and watch he rage
He trow he shit, he scream and shout
But dis time…DON’T LET TEH MUNKEY OUT!!

--------------------------------------------------------------

Do you like making funny progressive videos in the comfort of your own home? Do you like to make them go viral? And most importantly, do you like money?

If all three of these answers were a yes, then go to Lunatics And Liars, where you can win up $10,000 in cash and prizes (including a $5K first prize) to mock Republicans in video form and acquire instant Internet fame...

P.S. I will be around these parts quite often in the near future folks. I am a bit embarassed by not having shown my face here since Sean-Paul made the big announcement of my joining the illustrious Agonist team. My excuse: I'm in the middle of edits on my first book, due out this May, called The Real McCain. Wanna guess what it's about?

Diebold Accidentally Leaks Results Of 2008 Election Early

h/t Corrente