The Agonist - Humor & Satire

Ode To 'Something'

Sat, 21 Nov 2009 11:30:49 -0800

My buddy—we’ll call him ‘A’—and I are sitting on his back porch. His dog is spinning around wildly in circles, chewing on an old, smelly, dog-slobbered rag. The dog likes to set the rag in my lap, as some kind of canine-human bonding trick. “A” and I have both had far too much to drink.¹

“Dude, have you seen those new thingeys?” he asks.

“What-huh?”

“It’s one of those doo-dads you see on TV, man!”

I look up from the computer in my lap. We’ve been chatting across the porch to each other via instant messenger, checking our emails and generally acting like the GenX slackers we are. We call it ‘compunicating.’

“Are you high?” I ask. I punch the key board, shooting a quick, “you’re a freak’” IM back to him across the internets.

“No,” he says. “But pass the Scotch.”

“At least you know what that is,” I tease.

“C’mon man, you know what I’m talking about, they were advertised during the last Superbowl. They sell ‘em at, um, uh, whosamawhatsit!”

“What on God’s green earth are you talking about?” I sigh. I grab the bottle of scotch and pour him another drink. And one for me. He smiles. He’s having a hard time focusing his eyes. The dog starts barking.

“Eh, freak, you know what I’m talking about. Those thingamabobs!”

“Yeah, thanks. That helps. . . ” And before I can finish he says, “They’re about yay-high and about half the size of my, umm, uh, left foot.” He holds it up for good measure.

“You need help.”

“No, I don’t,” he says and coughs, lights up another smoke. “Ack, it’s on the tip of my tongue. I can’t get it out. It’s like one of those damn gahooters we had a few weeks ago.”

“Huh?”

“You’ve seen ‘em. We had one for a while in our whosamajiggy.”

“Whydontwejustaskyergirlfriend,” I IM him and then say, “She’ll know what you’re talking about you ingrate. Hey! ‘E’, ‘A’ has a question for you.”

“Honey,” he yells, “you know that whomagutchey we saw last night. What’re they called?”

“Oh, yeah,” she says, “those thingamajigs that hang from the doo-hickey on the whatchamadoodle?”

“Guys,” I say, “I’d hate to listen to one of your lover’s spats.”
---------
¹ Dialogue inspired by Schott's Weekend Vocab.

TGIF!!

Fri, 20 Nov 2009 08:59:15 -0800

I wish I had the weekend off

US ARMY GUIDE: Hand To Hand Combat With Zombies

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 07:04:32 -0800

Just because I'm on a zombie kick (I watched Zombieland last night, Fun movie):

Never underestimate the zombie

Zombies are not mindless hunters. They are swifter and craftier than one might expect. A lone zombie can burst out of hiding and take a chunk out of you in the blink of an eye.

Never engage a zombie if you can avoid it

Though zombies are surprisingly quick in confined spaces, they are not swift runners. Engage the zombie only when you are trapped, and escape is not an option.

Focus on the task; keep fear out of your head

No one, no matter what their powers of description, can fully prepare you for your first encounter with a zombie. Their grotesque appearance and smell, along with the inhuman noises they emit, can induce a level of fear and terror that precludes rational response and causes one to freeze. You must not react to the zombie's appearance. Focus instead on delivering a combination of offensive and defensive strikes that will buy you enough time to escape.

Catholic Elementary School Test

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 00:25:01 -0800

Imagine yourself to be the nun sitting at her desk grading these papers
all the while trying to keep a straight face and maintain her composure!

test answers after the jump :)

Just another viral email, but cute..

PAY SPECIAL ATTENTION TO THE WORDING AND SPELLING. IF YOU ARE EVEN
REMOTELY FAMILIAR WITH HOLY SCRIPTURE, YOU'LL FIND THIS HILARIOUS! IT
COMES FROM A ROMAN CATHOLIC ELEMENTARY SCHOOL TEST. KIDS WERE ASKED
QUESTIONS ABOUT THE OLD AND NEW TESTAMENTS. THE FOLLOWING STATEMENTS ABOUT
THE BIBLE WERE WRITTEN BY CHILDREN. THEY HAVE NOT BEEN RE-TOUCHED OR
CORRECTED. INCORRECT SPELLING HAS BEEN LEFT IN.

1. IN THE FIRST BOOK OF THE BIBLE, GUINESSIS, GOD GOT TIRED OF CREATING
THE WORLD SO HE TOOK THE SABBATH OFF.

2. ADAM AND EVE WERE CREATED FROM AN APPLE TREE. NOAH'S WIFE WAS JOAN OF
ARK. NOAH BUILT AND ARK AND THE ANIMALS CAME ON IN PEARS.

3. LOTS WIFE WAS A PILLAR OF SALT DURING THE DAY, BUT A BALL OF FIRE
DURING THE NIGHT.

4. THE JEWS WERE A PROUD PEOPLE AND THROUGHOUT HISTORY THEY HAD TROUBLE
WITH UNSYMPATHETIC GENITALS.

5. SAMPSON WAS A STRONGMAN WHO LET HIM SELF BE LED ASTRAY BY A JEZEBEL
LIKE DELILAH.

6. SAMSON SLAYED THE PHILISTINES WITH THE AXE OF THE APOSTLES.

7. MOSES LED THE JEWS TO THE RED SEA WHERE THEY MADE UNLEAVENED BREAD
WHICH IS BREAD WITHOUT ANY INGREDIENTS .

8, THE EGYPTIANS WERE ALL DROWNED IN THE DESSERT. AFTER WARDS, MOSES WENT
UP TO MOUNT CYANIDE TO GET THE TEN COMMANDMENTS.

9. THE FIRST COMMANDMENTS WAS WHEN EVE TOLD ADAM TO EAT THE APPLE.

10. THE SEVENTH COMMANDMENT IS THOU SHALT NOT ADMIT ADULTERY.

11. MOSES DIED BEFORE HE EVER REACHED CANADA .. THEN JOSHUA LED THE
HEBREWS IN THE BATTLE OF GERITOL

12. THE GREATEST MIRICLE IN THE BIBLE IS WHEN JOSHUA TOLD HIS SON TO STAND
STILL AND HE OBEYED HIM.

13. DAVID WAS A HEBREW KING WHO WAS SKILLED AT PLAYING THE LIAR. HE FOUGHT
THE FINKELSTEINS, A RACE OF PEOPLE WHO LIVED IN BIBLICAL TIMES.

14. SOLOMON, ONE OF DAVIDS SONS, HAD 300 WIVES AND 700 PORCUPINES.

15. WHEN MARY HEARD SHE WAS THE MOTHER OF JESUS, SHE SANG THE MAGNA CARTA.

16. WHEN THE THREE WISE GUYS FROM THE EAST SIDE ARRIVED THEY FOUND JESUS
IN THE MANAGER.

17. JESUS WAS BORN BECAUSE MARY HAD AN IMMACULATE CONTRAPTION.

18. ST. JOHN THE BLACKSMITH DUMPED WATER ON HIS HEAD.

19. JESUS ENUNCIATED THE GOLDEN RULE, WHICH SAYS TO DO UNTO OTHERS BE FORE
THEY DO ONE TO YOU. HE ALSO EXPLAINED A MAN DOTH NOT LIVE BY SWEAT ALONE.

20. IT WAS A MIRICLE! WHEN JE SUS ROSE FROM THE DEAD AND MANAGED TO GET
THE TOMBSTONE OFF THE ENTRANCE.

21. THE PEOPLE WHO FOLLOWED THE LORD WERE CALLED THE 12 DECIBELS.

22. THE EPISTELS WERE THE WIVES OF THE APOSTLES.

23. ONE OF THE OPPOSSUMS WAS ST. MATTHEW WHO WAS ALSO A TAXIMAN.

24. ST. PAUL CAVORTED TO CHRISTIANITY, HE PREACHED HOLY ACRIMONY WHICH IS
ANOTHER NAME FOR MARRAIGE.

25. CHRISTIANS HAVE ONLY ONE SPOUSE . THIS IS CALLED MONOTONY.

Because I Am Feeling Whimsical: Would You Rather Fight An Army Of

Wed, 18 Nov 2009 09:37:54 -0800

Libyan Leader in Italy Seeks Tall, Leggy and Pious

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 03:32:03 -0800

Rachel Donadio | Rome | November 16

NYT - The 200 women who answered a Rome modeling agency’s advertisement for tall, attractive party guests thought they would be attending an elegant soirée on Sunday. They were — only the host turned out to be the Libyan leader, Col. Muammar el-Qaddafi, and instead of hors d’oeuvres he offered them copies of the Koran and urged them to convert to Islam, the Italian news media reported Monday.

The women, all between the ages of 18 and 35, assembled in a Rome hotel before being screened by both metal detectors and the fashion police, who turned away anyone in a miniskirt or provocative clothing, according to Paola Lo Mele, a journalist for the ANSA news agency, who answered the modeling agency’s request and went undercover to the event. The women were each paid $75 to attend.

Colonel Qaddafi and other world leaders are in Rome for the World Summit on Food Security of the Food and Agriculture Organization of the United Nations.

The women who made the cut were bused to a villa in Rome, ANSA reported, where they waited an hour, unsure of what was to follow, before the famously late Libyan leader arrived.

“All the girls expected a party with a gala dinner,” Ms. Lo Mele reported. Instead, Colonel Qaddafi “made a 45-minute speech on Islam and women’s role in Islam.” He gave the women a copy of the Koran and said that he would pay for them to visit Mecca, the duty of every Muslim, if they converted.

Your Sunday Fail

Sun, 15 Nov 2009 08:35:03 -0800

Friday Cat Blogging

Fri, 13 Nov 2009 07:35:14 -0800

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

Flame Fest

Thu, 12 Nov 2009 10:08:35 -0800

I got nothing today so how about a flame fest? Been awhile, yeah? Y'all know the rules. 1. Everyone is fair game. 2. Take none of what is said seriously. 3. No porn, or links to two girls and a cup or other, erm, crap like that. Have fun!

Graham Censured for Sensible Climate Stance

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 20:22:11 -0800

Kate Sheppard | Charleston County, SC | November 11

Mother Jones - The Republican Party of Charleston County, S.C. on Monday voted to censure Sen. Lindsey Graham over his support for climate legislation and his willingness to work across party lines on the issue.

The Republican has often worked with Democrats in Congress, but Charleston County Chairwoman Lin Bennett says his work on climate legislation is the last straw.

The party resolution passed Monday says Graham has weakened the Republican brand. Bennett expects a similar resolution to be introduced at the state GOP convention next year.

Bennett called his views "out of step with the beliefs of Republican voters."

iPhone's first worm: half prank, half warning

Wed, 11 Nov 2009 04:01:15 -0800

Andy Greenberg | November 8

Forbes - The first real-world iPhone cyber-attack has shown its face. And that face belongs to 1980s pop star Rick Astley.

Over the weekend, researchers at cybersecurity firms Sophos and F-Secure detected the world's first active iPhone worm, spreading among Apple ( AAPL - news - people ) smart phone users in Australia. Only users who have "jailbroken" their phones--altered them to run applications not authorized by Apple--are vulnerable, and among those, only those who failed to change their default password for a secure shell (SSH) application that allows file transfers between smart phones.

The payload of that unwelcomed program? Not a password-stealing keylogger or spam sending software, but a switch of the user's operating system wallpaper to Astley's face, along with a message: "ikee is never gonna give you up." (Astley's 1987 song of a similar name has been at the center of a viral "rickrolling" Web phenom, in which users trick friends into clicking on a YouTube link to Astley's hyper-cheesy music video.)

Since the iPhone's advent, cybersecurity researchers have warned that its popularity would lead to new interest in smart phone hacking by cybercriminals. In July, Apple cybersecurity guru Charlie Miller showed at the Black Hat Conference in Las Vegas that a text message vulnerability in the phone would allow hackers to take control of the phone and use it to propagate more attacks, quickly spreading from iPhone to iPhone. (See: "How to Hijack "Every iPhone in The World.") Apple patched the flaw the day after Miller revealed it.

Fork whets Pasadena's artistic appetite

Sat, 07 Nov 2009 13:34:45 -0800

The 18-foot-tall utensil was stealthily erected as a birthday present. Now the city is considering keeping it as a piece of street art.

Los Angeles Times, By Nicole Santa Cruz, November 7

Pasadena has a fork in the road. And it's 18 feet tall.

Where south St. John and south Pasadena avenues divide, there's a towering wooden silver fork in the traffic median. The utensil has a black steel skeleton and is rooted in 2 1/2 feet of concrete.

The art was originally intended as a surprise for Bob Stane of Altadena, who celebrated his 75th birthday Oct. 29. But Caltrans, which owns the median, and Pasadena, which maintains the land, are deciding whether to keep it up for a while as an impromptu piece of street art.

"It was just the best birthday present I've ever had," said Stane, who owns the Coffee Gallery Backstage, a coffeehouse and showroom in Altadena, with the fork's artist, Ken Marshall. "It was the only time I've ever been surprised for my birthday."

The fork was finished about 9:50 a.m. on Halloween after friends worked to erect it clad in fake Caltrans uniforms and hard hats. Friends surprised Stane 10 minutes later with the utensil and chocolate cake.

[...]

"To my knowledge, there hasn't ever been a mystery piece of public art just popping up in the city," said DeWolfe, who has been with the city for 20 years.

F*k u and other Austrian idioms from California

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 11:14:53 -0800

... examining the King James translation of the Bible for coded messages with letters spaced at equal intervals in the code turns up such messages as "get lost," "go to hell," "you loser" and "I hate you."

Warning: The link above leads to a Republican propaganda newspaper called WSJ.

Some More Friday Fun

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:36:09 -0800

Many of you, I have a feeling, will like this one:

Friday Catblogging: Canadian Version

Fri, 06 Nov 2009 07:29:51 -0800

see more Lolcats and funny pictures

This one is for our Canadian friends.