Tag - investing

While Deflategate and Chaitgate Rage, America Quietly Robs Its Elderly

A wild new report on the wide-scale scamming of ordinary investors has arrived.

Rolling Stone, By Matt Taibbi, January 29

Remember the Matthew McConaughy scene in Wolf of Wall Street? The one where the Lincoln man is doing that weird pound-the-sternum chant and blasting coke and martinis over lunch while he gives Leo de Caprio his famous “Fuck the client!” speech?

That’s the scene where Leo’s whacked-out boss talks about the three keys to success on Wall Street: jerking off, cocaine and “revolutions,” i.e. keeping the client on the investment Ferris wheel indefinitely, while you burn him for fees. On and on it goes, the park is open, 24/7, 365 days a year…

“He thinks he’s getting rich, which he is, on paper,” McConaughy says. “But you and I are making cold hard cash – on commission, motherfucker!”

A graphic demonstration of that scene, and the financial-services industry ethos it describes, just hit the news in the form of a wild new report on the wide-scale scamming of ordinary investors. The “Ferris wheel” of conflicted payments, unnecessary fees and other shady practices apparently beats retirees for up to $17 billion a year, according to an internal White House memorandum.

Bloomberg: White House Aide Calls for Stricter Broker Rules on 401(k)s

Cat beats investment professionals in picking stocks

Credit: The Observer, Jill Insley

Credit: The Observer, Jill Insley

Orlando the Cat has trounced so called investment professionals in picking stocks, probably because he wasn’t focused on touting garbage stocks to clients (AKA “muppets”, as Goldman employees have charmingly called them) then secretly shorting the stocks, thus making money on both ends. Oh gosh, there I go again with my cynicism. Surely in the august realms of the big investment banks there must be at least of couple of banks who don’t reap financial rewards by laundering drug money and screwing clients. Perhaps an alert reader will clue me in on who they are.

While the professionals used their decades of investment knowledge and traditional stock-picking methods, the cat selected stocks by throwing his favourite toy mouse on a grid of numbers allocated to different companies.

This technique is also favored by the Federal Reserve as documented in that crucial South Park episode where the Fed decided what to do next by decapitating a chicken and watching where it died on a wheel of fortune, all of which is probably more accurate and saner that the corrupt, gamed, and incompetent financial system we have now.

southpark-chicken