Patience


Parasols in the SunMy first week home was, while not exciting, pleasant. Hanging out with my Mom, seeing my sister, old friends, catching up, all a part of the return. After staying at my Mom's the first week I headed out to Williamson County to stay with a buddy until my flat is ready. He's got a wonderful house, spacious, with two dogs that are sweet--if one is a bit to exuberant in the mornings, you know, I just don't like being licked (cue the peanut gallery)--but it's out in sub-urban hell. The last several days after waking up and eating breakfast I drive into town to spend my day writing in a local coffee shop. I greet each morning with a smile, the promise of a new day. But the moment I pull the car out of the subdivision onto Anderson Mill Road, my mood sinks. I look around me. I see blue skies, a warm sun and concrete big boxes in all directions. Home.

"Where is the wonder," I ask myself? I know it's silly. Austin isn't Istanbul. It's not Muscat. It's not even Singapore. And so I drive thirty minutes into town, sit down at a table and fire up my Mac Book Pro. The blank white page and the blinking cursor reflect back on me the emptiness I feel.

More after the jump.

"How can I have gone from being so full of life and feel so empty now," I ask?

Perhaps I expect too much. But as I drive around, I see, keenly, painfully, what Guy Forsyth sings about: "[our streets are] clogged bumper to bumper with stinking SUVs and two-story pickup trucks that can drive over anything except the two-story pickup truck right in front of it. Not even the highways look the same, Starbucks and 711s and Walmarts jam the feeder roads. We don't live around this mess, we live under it."

And so each day is a struggle to climb out of the rubble. A struggle to see the beauty, the wonder here. After a year away I expected to come home with 'new eyes.' And I did. They aren't jaded eyes. But they aren't happy eyes, either.

And there is an uncountable measure of beauty in Austin and the surrounding Hill Country. Clear streams tumble down the limestone hills, Cedar trees, Live Oaks, Pecan trees, and the skyline of Austin? The city has changed. It's a lovely city, now. If I knew nothing of this place and were visiting for the first time I would find inspiration here.

And there's the rub. Each day has been a struggle to find some kind of inspiration. I know my expectations are out of line, unrealistic. After the daily barrage of stimulus I had traveling I should know better. And I do realize I'm 'coming down' from a magical year.

I stare out the window into the glaring sun, wondering, my mind wandering back East. These are the first words I've written in two weeks. A writer who doesn't write?

"Settle down," the voice in my head says, "it'll come. It's only been two weeks."

I miss the world. I knew this would happen. And I'm glad it is happening.

I just have to remind myself to document it. Too many people write excellent books about the journey and yet forget the most important part is the return, how it shapes us, how we adjust and sink back into the compromises that set us off into the world in the first place.

"Patience," I hear, that whisper on the wind that followed me from Toba to Sivas, Istanbul to Nyborg.

Patience is trait I never acquired. Probably never will.

Today I might be able to make peace with the changes. I can feel it, bubbling up, but it's dropping slow. The sinking feeling in my stomach isn't a strong as it was yesterday, and less than the day before. Blue skies and the warmth of friends surround me. I'd forgotten how hard it is to be alone.

Home does have it's rewards.


Sean Paul Kelley July 3, 2009 - 11:45am
( categories: Ruminations )

admittedly subjective "fact" that a lot of our cities here in the US do just plain suck. I have nowhere near your level of experience with the world SP, but I can see a huge contrast between more established cities such as Boston, New York, and San Francisco and the newer cities such as Houston, Phoenix, and LA. Phoenix in particular (where I live now) reminds me of the old communist-era concrete housing blocks that I've seen in pictures--except here it's stucco brown/red housing tracts that extend monolithically out to the horizon. Liberty, individuality, and identical tract housing lifestyles for all.

But then I take inspiration from the small cities/large towns of New England and upstate NY--places like Ithaca, Kingston, Saratoga Springs, Burlington, and even Providence. These tend to have their own character and natural beauty that far outstrips anything I've encountered in places like Phoenix or Houston and tends to be obscured in locations like Boston and NY. I'm sure other parts of the country have similarly nice small cities, though I suspect they correlate strongly with proximity to the old, established big cities.

Bolo July 3, 2009 - 12:53pm

"Liberty, individuality, and identical tract housing lifestyles for all," will be a key theme of my book.

"All men's gains are the fruit of venturing."

-Herodotus

Sean Paul Kelley July 3, 2009 - 1:02pm

... communist-era concrete housing blocks is well chosen.

I have seen many of these in several former communist countries and I am happy that many of them are now torn down. When I first came to the US the monotony of the suburban development instantly made me think of the communist development model. The US housing offers some more amenities but the inhumaneness of the uniformity has the very same quality.

That is why I was so pleasantly surprised to find some historic old houses still preserved in between the high-rises of downtown Houston.

In my experience with large American cities it is always the suburbs that are the worst.

quax July 3, 2009 - 4:09pm

the FSU and life in the FSU, I can assure you that many of these "communist-era concrete housing blocks" have not been torn down. Maybe in the tourist areas, but not in the suburban / urban areas. They "flourish" in many cities I have lived in or traveled. Granted, some have been razed in places such as Moscow to make room for shiny new buildings, they have not in many cities and towns, including Moscow. More likely, there is remont occurring inside these buildings as opposed to the tearing down of these buildings.

liquid July 6, 2009 - 12:45am

... the tearing down I was referring to is happening in East Germany. The German population is shrinking as it is but East Germany also experienced massive migration to the West. As a result many of the old housing developments have totally emptied out and cities and towns have to build back.

quax July 6, 2009 - 9:50am

I spent 2 years in Europe some time ago and I understand completely how you feel. I still feel that way and unfortunately I've been back in America for almost 8 years. People (Americans) will never understand what you're going through unless of course they experienced for themselves. This really is a "cesspool" of a country (and I do mean a toilet). Of course there are some good people here, but I've come to the conclusion that the majority are nothing more than fucking idiots and more than likely completely insane. It's sad really, but I realized (unlike the majority of the people in this country who honestly believe this is the best place to live on earth) a long time ago that its just a fucking myth - an illusion - all pure bullshit!

Hang in there - I'm you'll figure a permanent way out if thats what you're looking for, and NEVER surrender!!

ProgressiveDem July 3, 2009 - 1:21pm

somewhat of a shock to come home and see a Democratic president hamstrung by the Republicans and see that the media hasn't changed and that all teh arguments are all still essentially the same, in a sense that nothing really has changed since Bush left office. GITMO is still open, the bankers are being appeased, etc. . sure, we're drawing down from Iraq, but it still looks to me that we're going to double down in Af-Pak. Sheesh.

"All men's gains are the fruit of venturing."

-Herodotus

Sean Paul Kelley July 3, 2009 - 1:33pm

Retrenched into permanent military bases, yes.

Leaving?

No.

I did inhale.

Don July 3, 2009 - 4:03pm

...Austin used to be a place OF wonder back in the no growth era. I spent some time with Don today, and one thing he said stuck me. Not struck, stuck. There's too many people in too small a space. You can take it locally, or you can take it globally. The microcosm or the macrocosm, it's all the same, we're way out of balance....and, if you're in tune with the outrageous urban sprawl, you know what I mean. I agree PD, for the most part this place we live is shit. There are a few bright spots...grab them, embrace them while you can...they, too, shall pass.

Distrust anyone who wants to teach you something.

OldLakeRat July 3, 2009 - 4:04pm

... population density of 6,211/km2. Austin has 757,688 people at a density of 925.21/km2 (numbers courtesy of wikipedia).

SP likes Istanbul better than Austin so I think you're missing the mark.

Megacities such as Istanbul are for better or worse the main future habitat for humanity. Let's better get'em right.

quax July 3, 2009 - 4:18pm

...I don't think I'm missing it. How old is Instanbul? Does that matter? I think, yes. I speak from ignorance as I've not been to Istanbul...but, I believe that their culture embraces this type of density. Austin, however, does not. It has become a sterile, unfriendly place. The push in places like Austin or San Antonio for urban developement is too late, and too much. Or, if you prefer, too little, too late. As for megacities....please take my place in line...I'll be out in the sticks eating feral hog, and whatever I can manage to eek out from the garden.

Distrust anyone who wants to teach you something.

OldLakeRat July 3, 2009 - 4:41pm

Intensive gardening on suburban plots is a reasonable possibility. Install a decent public transportation, create corner commercial gathering points (bars, cafes, convenience stores and the like) and suburbs could be made live able and re-purposed in a manner that could help humanity. The thing about suburbs is that they are incomplete. Finish the design and infrastructure and we are good to go.

Jeff Wegerson July 3, 2009 - 4:58pm

There is a "Small House Society" whose mission statement is:

"Our desire is to support the research, development, and use of smaller living spaces that foster sustainable living for individuals, families, and communities worldwide".

Their website offers great information and has a fantastic video (approx 20 minutes) by James Howard Kunstler entitled: "The Tragedy of Suburbia". In Kunstler's view, "public spaces should be inspired centers of civic life and the physical manifestation of the common good.” Source


Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.

adrena July 4, 2009 - 10:54pm

has a car.

I remember being surprised at how small Mexico City seemed compared to Houston and Dallas, while in fact there are multitudes more people in el distrito federal than either of these Texas cities.

It's the congestion and confusion of so many cars that makes our cities so insane.

Suburban sprawl is worse than a dense city where people walk and or avail themselves to public transportation.

I did inhale.

Don July 3, 2009 - 5:12pm

about being home. I resent the conformity it implies, that everyone HAS TO HAVE A CAR to be someone, or to do things, etc. . . What's so bad about walking? Meeting one's neighbors? Chilling on the sidewalk.

"All men's gains are the fruit of venturing."

-Herodotus

Sean Paul Kelley July 3, 2009 - 5:23pm

I chill but no side walk here- nice 600 ft caliche drive tho and a great deck- all my friends say - man he has a big deck- sometimes im a lil self conscious about it but heck I got a big deck- just gotta live with it

JDFTEXAS July 3, 2009 - 5:54pm

A great letter to my local newspaper conveys beautifully the true essence of the porch.

Re: The power of the porch.

My children were astounded when I decided my new verandah would go on the front of the house rather than the back.

"What you gonna do, Ma? Sit on the porch in your rocking chair and yell 'Slow down, Sonny!' to speeding cars? And wave 'Hello' to your neighbours?"

"Yep," said I. "That's the idea."

The back yard is huge, with woods on two sides. There's a swing under the grand old maple tree. Birds, flowers and wildlife are bountiful. But when I want to enjoy the sounds and sights of humanity, it's to the front porch I go.

It has a name: "Jane Jacobs Verandah." A plaque will soon state that. As with columnist Ken Gray, I seldom finish the newspaper without a neighbour stopping to chat. And isn't that just the point of sitting there? Waving at farm friends as they pass by on their tractors or backhoes is one of my jobs. Patting the local dogs being walked is a joy of the day. And, if I happen to be inside, they stop at the laneway, waiting for their pat.

When the verandah was completed, I had a verandah warming party. Suburban friends gravitated toward the backyard, where one goes for "peace and quiet." Older folk, who remember porches from their youth, and those who live in some of Ottawa's wonderful old neighbourhoods where porches are common, celebrated on the verandah, spilling forth onto the front lawn. Late that evening, a few stragglers sat and shared memories on Jane Jacobs, with muted voices, gentle laughter, and a glass of wine in hand. The power of the porch.

Jen Raiche, Ramsayville Source


Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.

adrena July 4, 2009 - 10:42pm

Many houses in our neighborhood do but ours is missing one. We still hang out on the front steps a lot though. The front of the house is facing a park and that is where you meet the neighbors. Also the sidewalk is great for the kids to draw on.

quax July 4, 2009 - 10:56pm

that's what I always liked about Canada, all those front porches. I don't know about Germany but in Holland you don't see front porches. And as you say, spending time on the front porch is a great way for the family to meet other families and people. It adds to life's experiences. Many interesting stories are and have been told on front porches. It also alleviates some of the isolation that people, especially women, feel living in those giant boxes in suburbia.


Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.

adrena July 4, 2009 - 11:06pm

chicagobreakingnews -•Kenneth Crawford, 38, of the 2600 block of 69th Street, was killed as he sat on a front porch with friends, according to the medical examiner's office.

•Cleophus Parrow, 35, of the 500 block of East 91st Street was shot on the front porch of his Burnside neighborhood home, according to the medical examiner's office.
______________________________________________________
Just two of 10 slayings, 63 shootings over the weekend in Chicago.

graham July 6, 2009 - 7:30am

eom

quax July 6, 2009 - 9:54am

... it is the garages that kill a neighborhood because they disrupt side walks - if you are lucky enough to have any. From my European perspective it is just completely ludicrous to build neighborhoods without them.

The fairly new subdivision I moved in up here in the GTA still has garages but the builders were pretty smart about them. They are all on the back of the houses serviced by a dedicated parking ally. This means uninterrupted side walks throughout the entire neighborhood. It takes me less than 10 min to walk to the closest convenience store - 3 min on my bike. This is also where my dentist is. The major hospital that services this area - where my daughter was born - backs onto the neighborhood - it is a 25 min walk. In the summer we can put the kids in a bike stroller we recently purchased and cycle to the old "downtown" of Markham to hang out in one of the many street cafes - it's about a 20 to 30 min ride and a nice little exercise. The kids love it.

This neighborhood is more an exception than the rule for the towns surrounding Toronto but high density development is now taken very serious. The fact that my neighborhood was build this way 10 years ago is testament to the fact that some developers up here get it.

quax July 4, 2009 - 12:00am

...model is high enough density to be sustainable over the long term - although it's better than many cities, the sprawl is pretty problematic (both in terms of the associated transport demands and the land it's sitting on). Of course, I don't know what it is that we do about this - the way my neighbourhood (Bloor West Village) is set up is very similar (the houses are somewhat denser than in Markham and there's less greenspace, but it's on the same general order of density when one nets out the high rises). The "I got mine" answer that seems to come out of the downtown crowd deploring the sprawl (i.e., my neighbours) isn't helpful, that much I know. Living in a detached house when one has small kids is pretty attractive - one of the more interesting ideas was one I heard from John Sewell [former mayor], based on the model of the five storey mixed residence townhouse along the major arterials - maybe if one arranged it so the outside space was held in common trust it would be more attractive.

“The absence of any US-Iran bilateral channel...may have the perverse effect of reinforcing Iranian interest in progressing in the nuclear realm so that the US will be forced to take it seriously and engage it directly." ~ Richard Haass

JustPlainDave July 4, 2009 - 12:54am

... dense than my neighborhood. So I am a bit confused by your statement. Don't see how you can get much denser than with the proposed kondo high rises in a mix use neighborhood.

Add easy access to a Go station and ideally subway access at some point in the future and you have an environment that would allow to forgo car usage for most transportation.

quax July 4, 2009 - 3:28pm

...books out there. I was looking at the overheads and what they reflect right now lacks that sort of high density. It's not an unfamiliar pattern - expand out and then add the density, which I tend to think hurts us in the long run in that the transport infrastructure doesn't get laid down early.

In terms of maximum density, I tend to think we can still beat what one will see in Markham as a whole - John's model was specifically inspired by the Paris metropolitan area, which wiki tells me clocks in at about 20K per square kilometre density. I can't see us getting anywhere near there, but shifting to the model along the arterials would help up the density a good deal.

“The absence of any US-Iran bilateral channel...may have the perverse effect of reinforcing Iranian interest in progressing in the nuclear realm so that the US will be forced to take it seriously and engage it directly." ~ Richard Haass

JustPlainDave July 4, 2009 - 7:44pm

... certainly seems to be totally backwards. Especially coming from a European perspective. What a strange idea to build a "center" for a town on pristine empty space. But the planning seems to be pretty sound and I am happy to see that there is real commitment to add a functioning center. I'll keep my fingers crossed that it'll work out as intended.

quax July 4, 2009 - 10:50pm
mauberly July 4, 2009 - 10:56am

... actually makes for good hockey space as well. After all it doesn't see much use outside the typical commute time slots. But the kids are ever so often interrupted by some residential traffic.

quax July 4, 2009 - 3:32pm

... taken. Although it seems to be more a cultural issue than age alone. Toronto for instance has a remarkable high density for a North American city of 3,972/km2. Then again from an American perspective it is an old city. The downtown core is very vibrant and regarded as prime real estate location. But I hear you. Having grown up on a horse farm I wouldn't want to raise my kids in a big city - but to me this is just a matter of personal preference. Nothing wrong with people who enjoy the constant city buzz.

Of course both Toronto and Istanbul are completely left in the dust in terms of density when compared with New York 10,606/km2 and that in turn has nothing on Hong Kong Island with 15,915/km2 (although in all fairness this probably should be compared to the NYC metro area at 17,405/km2).

Then there is also the beautiful city state of Monaco that clocks in at 16,818/km2. Wouldn't mind living there. Now there's a thought to hang on to for when retirement looms (will have to brush up on my French though).

quax July 3, 2009 - 11:37pm

with the cultural aspect. But I think the two (age and culture) are interwoven. If the culture doesn't support it, the city won't thrive. I remember going to visit a friend that went to Berklee School of Music back in the 70's. They lived a few blocks away from the school. We drove. What a shock to find that there was no place to park the car. Their car was in a garage some distance away, and if you didn't have a parking contract, no parkee. Everything they needed was in walking distance. Restaurant in the basement, grocery on the street level...their apartment, among others, on the third fourth and fifth floors. The other shock I got was asking for iced tea at the restaurant (in January) and being told "Summer's coming".

Distrust anyone who wants to teach you something.

OldLakeRat July 4, 2009 - 12:22pm

very little because public transport was great - shops were close - etc etc- ( especially when in germany or station at ft meade md) but now
well unfortunately we still have to work n both our jobs are in austin 30+ mi-- and haulin hay- feed etc- well we gotta have trucks-- wish we didnt - just in tire repair alone due to mesquite-- but the life we have chosen means we have to-- few yrs from now-- who knows - get the garden going good- one or 2 horses live off grazing (this means we get rain again) might just lock the gate - fire up the still- load the weapons- dont visit unless you are well known lol

JDFTEXAS July 3, 2009 - 6:05pm

What is the first thing wealthy Chinese or Russians or Indians do when they first come into money? Build an isolated house out in the country or in some gated community so they can live just like Americans. Ten percent of the population in the BRIC countries represents the upper class and emulates the lifestyle of Americans. If they have an apartment in the city it is a spacious one with plenty of security.

The American model of suburban tract housing, which has morphed into McMansions, has a very high cost in terms of isolation from neighbors, dependence on the automobile, and excessive use of energy. Still, people gravitate towards it. That is not to say that millions of Americans or others cannot be wrong who choose to live this way, but it is to say there is something compelling about making your home into a castle, and people are compelled to satisfy this want.

Maybe Max Weber has more to say on this phenomenon than any modern sociologist, but if we are going to break up this model, we need to find out what it satisfies, why that is important, and whether we need to maintain some way to satisfy these impulses.

Numerian July 4, 2009 - 5:21am

...or egg thing. If one wants a house of a given level of quality in fittings and fixtures, generally it's most cost-effective (at least in terms of housing costs) to go with new construction and the associated sprawl (as opposed to renovation). I think it would be a very interesting experiment to see what sort of receptivity there is for the well-designed and fitted smaller house. Showing people that the "great room" houses are commonly pretty badly suited to the way that most people live would seem to me to be key. Of course, I'm biased in that I've been a Susanka adherent for a number of years.

“The absence of any US-Iran bilateral channel...may have the perverse effect of reinforcing Iranian interest in progressing in the nuclear realm so that the US will be forced to take it seriously and engage it directly." ~ Richard Haass

JustPlainDave July 4, 2009 - 10:58am

I clicked through to the Showhouse for sale - this is supposed to be not so big? Looks like you could fit my semi-detached three times in there.

quax July 4, 2009 - 11:04pm

...should take the "all in" design-build as the definitive example. I'm much more amenable to applying the ideas to our renovations.

“The absence of any US-Iran bilateral channel...may have the perverse effect of reinforcing Iranian interest in progressing in the nuclear realm so that the US will be forced to take it seriously and engage it directly." ~ Richard Haass

JustPlainDave July 4, 2009 - 11:25pm

... tended to build their mansion within the city. After all you wanted to be close to the markets, docks, bourse or whatever their business.

In Germany there is a wide spread disdain for nobility that is not restricted to the lower classes. This is certainly much more a continental European phenomenon. The UK never went through the kind of revolutionary upheavals to throw out their nobility - they were also much more pragmatic in not restricting it to blood lines.

It really comes down to social cohesion. You only want to flee to your own castle if you also embrace the values of feudalism. Something the GOP certainly is very good at.

quax July 4, 2009 - 3:48pm

it doesn't have to be big. In fact, I consider my 'smallish' house to be a castle. There are many interior design techniques one can use to make one's house appear larger than it is. For example, I have a large bare wall in my kitchen - a tall plant stands to one side and the table in front always has a large bouquet of flowers. I call it my "meditation" wall - it's an area separate from the cooking section. The reason I bought this house was because of the layout of the kitchen. I fell in love with it at first sight because it contained an area of Zen amongst all the necessary clutter of cooking.

Anyway, sometimes I do feel my "smallish" house is too big ... and that is when I have to clean it.


Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.

adrena July 4, 2009 - 11:24pm

. . . I get so tired of hearing things like that: everyone wants a castle, etc. No one speaks for me. If you want a castle or a smallish house, then great. Good for you. Some of us want freedom and do not want to me shackled to some structure. In reality, some of us want to travel the world, and do so. We do not need a McMansion, or a castle, or a smallish house or a flat. We just need a passport and a way to finance our wanderlust. We want to take photos. We want to meet people in the city square or the city center, have a beer or some tea together. A nice dinner. Some of us need only human contact and discourse to live and appreciate life. If you need a castle, then good for you. But please do not say everyone needs a castle. It is akin to someone saying, for example that everyone loved Michael Jackson (freaking child molester) or everyone wants to live in the USA (BS), etc. It is just not true.

liquid July 6, 2009 - 12:34am

I can only dream of the lifestyle you're describing. I tasted some of it when I was younger. Hopefully, I will taste it again when I'm no longer working.

I assume you don't have or plan on having children.


Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.

adrena July 6, 2009 - 9:04pm

Shouldn't haven more than one tab open with the Agonist. Too confusing.

quax July 5, 2009 - 6:26pm

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