Obama’s Presidential Library Announced: Details

The White House announced today that the site for the Obama Presidential Library will be built in multiple cities, with multiple wings to the library, to continue the momentum of bipartisanship started under the Obama Administration.

A White House spokesman said :

We’re providing the list of cities and wings we can identify. In keeping with the Obama Administration’s promise to be the most transparent administration ever, the complete list is classified.

He continued:

Each Wing of the library will have special access, including a special entrance for donors of more than $1,000,000 and an entrance at the back for the small donors.

The process is not perfect

the spokesman continued, wanting to keep his identity concealed

One such library wing, the Special Listening Wing, was offered to Russia, and proposed to be built in Moscow.

However a spokesperson for Vlad the Invader responded

We are honored, but we believe the citizens of Germany would be better served if the Wing was built in Berlin.

Excerpts from White House Authorized Leak follow.

Sub-branches of this wing, The Special Listening Wing, to gather the thoughts of the local populace in every US puppet state, will be created at every available US embassy around the world, to demonstrate the breadth and depth of the Obama Legacy.

The Health Insurance Wing will be built in Hartford Connecticut, to celebrate to strong ties between the Obama Administration’s ACA and the vital health Insurance Industry. Only 70% of the floor space will be open to the public, the remaining 30% will be dedicated to the Health Insurance Industry Special Access purposes.

In keeping with the spirit of bipartisanship which characterizes the Obama administration, the Special Access section of the libraries will be used by both parties for fundraisers, except for Democrats on days ending with a Y at the end of the, unless the Democrats can obtain the signatures of three living popes.

The admission fees for entering this Wing will be paid 80% by the library’s foundation and 20% by the visitors, except for males between 21 and 65, females between 18 and 45, on the second Tuesday of every week, except the penultimate Tuesday before the ides of March, or Saturnalia, with the exception of February 29 on non-leap years.

A wing was offered to Syria, The Peace Studies and Urban Rehabilitation Wing, to feature examples of fueled and armed modern weaponry exported by the US for peaceful purposes. Bashir Assad was heard to mutter in an aside, “Over my dead body,” to which the Director of the CIA responded “You wish is our command, Effendi.”

The Tolerance and Caliphate Wing will be built with Saudi Petro Dollar Assistance in Jerusalem, on the site of the Wailing Wall, Dome of the Rock and Garden of Gethsemane and on the Palestinian Land in between these ruins, because the Obama Library is far more important to world history than decrepit old ruins. Expressions of religion will be expressly forbidden, in order to promote tolerance. The department will feature the gifts the US has given the Middle East, which demonstrate its very successful effort to reach across broken peace accords among the disparate peoples of the region. The Wing will showcase the special delivery system the US has for its gifts, and the awful pyrotechnic demonstration will occur at random times throughout the day and night.

Other decrepit ruins no longer useful in this new world order will also be demolished, including John McCain.

The Treasury and Business Wing will be built on Wall St in New York, and will feature a revolving door which transports the lucky Wall St. executive to a senior position in whatever administration exists to serve at the pleasure of Wall St. A special no-fault settlement feature will be used for Wall St. Governance, with direct access to the historical display of Aggressive Prosecutions featured at the Law Wing of the Presidential Library in Washington.

An automated fraud detection system is being commissioned by DARPA, which will have the feature of being able to blame the victims of fraud for the fraud, unless the victims have significant levels of passive income, in which eventuality the perpetrator will be prosecuted to the full extent of the law, just as Maddoff and JP Morgan Chase were prosecuted for their large pyramid scheme. The IRS will administer this system, and the fines will be levied by surprise when the year’s tax return is filed, aided by the new dynamically flexible rules for wage income taxation. The Government believes it will double its tax revenues within five years with the new General Obligatory Tax Yield Automatic System (GOTYAS).

The Automotive No-Fault wing will be built in Detroit, with direct connections to Japan. Automotive manufacturers can be assured that even if faults which are proven to kill Americans are detected in their vehicles, no executives will go to jail, and only their shareholders will be penalized by the billion-plus dollar fines. As a legacy which is totally bipartisan, we believe it’s more important to kowtow to the automotive sector than it is to protect Americans.

Washington will host Many Presidential Wings. The Law Wing, will contain the huge two-foot single shelf display of all the cases in which the Obama Administration pursued to protect the America People. The remainder of the shelf space in the wing will be used to display Eric Holder’s collection of knick-knacks, and the extraordinary collection of empty promises made by the Administration. In addition, the Law Wing will feature a skillful maze, which when entered is so complex the maze can only be navigated by looking backward not forward, and the exit is the Guantanamo Exit, where one is detained for life for a reason so secret that even a trusted judge cannot be told the secret.

The Defense Wing will contain a new military development, a black hole. Huge sums of money, men and material go in and nothing will come out, including used service people with PTSD. This will also solve the budget crisis at the Veteran’s Affairs, which we plan on closing as soon as the supply of veterans is extinguished.

The Environmental Wing will contain models of all of Obama’s environmental achievements. These will be housed in a single hole outhouse, somewhere behind the Defense Wing, and will thus fill two roles, which is environmentally prudent.

We know that the American people will be thrilled with this largesse, and we invite Americans to visit ALL the library sites. The fee is very reasonable – only 1% of your annual federal deficit. You pay only once – every year – for generations and generations.

In other news, Republicans are pressing Obama to run for a third term as a Republican President, claiming the limitation on Presidential Terms only applies to more than two terms when a member of the same party. The White House states this would provide for a very smooth transition of administrations by continuing current policies.

5 comments to Obama’s Presidential Library Announced: Details

  • dude

    You’ve got to be kidding. In an age when we have internet and wireless interconnectivity, we have a multi-city, multi-nation bricks-n-mortar presidential library being proposed?

    I think a totally holographic 3D projection library of presidential performances should be provided. No brick-n-mortar at all. Vivid, vapid, vaporous. Just like those holographic Japanese 3D anime rock concerts.

    The first truly “wired” next-gen presidential library.

    Don’t look backward! Ever forward!

    Is it April Fool’s yet? Or is the source The Onion?

  • jo6pac

    Synoia, Thank You;)

  • Synoia

    One can rail or one can mock, either is appropriate. Once can mock more in a thousand words than rail.

    And its more fun to mock, one laughs as one writes, whereas when I rail I get angry.

  • Skriz

    This is from The Onion, right?

  • Look at the tags and categories , Skriz ;)

Leave a Reply

Users