Sean Paul is back! And he’s jet lagged. Which means for the next two weeks he’s going to be awake at 3:00 a.m. with nothing to do but catch up on late night American TV. Imagine what he’s missed in just one year – the shock could be overwhelming. As a public service for Sean Paul and other insomniacs, I am providing you with a quick introduction to late night TV, American style – but be warned! Late night television is inhabited by people who want your money, and what could be more American than that?

Buy! Buy! Buy! (But first look at these Boobies!)

There was a time when late night TV would entertain you with old movies or reruns of sitcoms. That’s all gone now; everyone has sold out to the infomercial, that peculiar blend of cheesy production values and gripping personal stories of desperate people who discovered the secret to wealth and who are so civic-minded that they want to share this secret with you for $39.95 (plus shipping and handling).

Sean Paul will be unable to avoid a namesake of his, the ubiquitous Jeff Paul and his $hortcuts to Internet Millions. In this half hour infomercial you don’t meet Jeff Paul right away, because first you want to feast your eyes on Carmen and Stacey, two beautiful girls who are our hosts for half an hour at a fabulous resort somewhere in Southern California.

You’ve seen Carmen and Stacey before, on other infomercials or other TV shows. For a while Stacey was Chuck Woolery’s sidekick on the game show Lingo, but she was let go, apparently for being a little too flirtatious with Chuck. Because Carmen and Stacey are at a luxurious resort, swanking it up around the swimming pool, they get to wear skimpy outfits that reveal their alluring boobies, which are collectively the four assets the two of them bring to this enterprise. Well, that’s not really fair – Stacey also has something indispensable in selling TV products to gullible Americans: a British accent! Never mind that she sounds like she is from somewhere down in the Antipodes; Americans think all Australians or New Zealanders sound just like Queen Elizabeth and must be as dignified.

But now it is time to meet Jeff Paul himself, a dumpy, middle-aged, gray haired nobody who couldn’t get within ten miles of Carmen and Stacey’s boobies, if it weren’t for the fact he makes A MILLION DOLLARS A WEEK doing absolutely nothing. You see, his internet websites do the work for him. They are so magical that he doesn’t have to buy any product, carry any inventory, do any advertising, or ship anything to customers. This is all done “magically” (that word is used over and over again) by Jeff Paul’s system, and the money just rolls in to his bank account.

Are you a bit skeptical you can become a millionaire for $39.95 (plus shipping and handling) by doing absolutely nothing? Then it’s time for you to meet PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU AND ME. We know these people are just like you and me because they are all losers, just like us. They had nothing, they were bankrupt, their spouse left them, the wolf was at the door – and then they discovered Jeff Paul’s $hortcuts to Internet Millions. They all make a point of telling you that they know nothing more of computers and the internet beyond sending emails, and that Jeff Paul’s system is so easy ANYBODY (meaning a fool like you) could make money using it.

You could be like Lori, who makes up to $8,000 a week, or Mike the hair stylist who makes $7,000 a week, or nerdy Pat with his nerdy glasses, who makes $250,000 a year using Jeff Paul’s system but loves his original job so much he is still at it slaving away 50 hours a week to bring in that extra $30,000. But best of all is Antonio, the only African American at this resort who isn’t in the background serving food. Antonio, being black, had “family issues” as a teenager – meaning he knocked up some girl and he couldn’t finish high school. But never mind that he is the stereotypical inner city dropout – he makes $100,000 a week off his internet websites, doing absolutely nothing but lounging around his mansion (cue in pictures of yachts and Lamborghinis as well, just to give you an idea of what you will be able to enjoy when you buy Jeff Paul’s system).

So what do you really get when you send in your $39.95? You get a bunch of DVDs and CDs and a book telling you about ways to make money on the internet, with information that is out-dated, useless, and – if you actually knew how to use a search function on the internet (which Jeff Paul’s customers patently do not) – ABSOLUTELY FREE. Plus – and this is the important part – you get a lot of hectoring from the salesperson for your credit card information, and in particular the maximum credit limit available on your cards. The salesperson needs this information because you are going to inadvertently agree verbally to have your credit card charged $39.95 monthly so that every thirty days Jeff Paul can send you ten more website ideas for you to try. The maximum credit limit is very important because you are going to start getting regular calls from a Jeff Paul subsidiary anxious to sell you personal counseling services for anywhere from $4,500 to $7,000.

Once you agree even verbally to these credit card charges, you don’t ever want to renege on them, because Jeff Paul – being the humanitarian that he is and interested only in your success – will not hesitate to send your unpaid bill immediately to a collection agency, adding a whole other set of telephone calls you will have to deal with. Thank God his system is so easy to use and takes no time whatsoever, because all your spare time is going to be spent trying to extricate yourself from the Jeff Paul billing department. Forget about the money back guarantee that is touted on the infomercial – that phone number doesn’t work, at least not on the first 100 rings.

So now you are thinking to yourself – “This must be some sort of scam” – but you’re not sure where the catch is. Try typing in on Google search “Jeff Paul scam.” The first ten or so responses tell you all about the problems people have had as Jeff Paul subscribers, and how no one makes the sort of money described on the infomercial. But at the very bottom of these informative exposés, the authors begin telling you about the real way to make money on the internet, and how you should click to their website so that you can subscribe to their system.

Odd, isn’t it, that all these different search results turn out to be sales pitches as well? Not really. You see, these people paid Google money to get their entry on the top ten list. Leaving aside the fact that the websites Jeff Paul sends you are overused on the internet with products and services nobody really wants, you are going to get no traffic if you don’t pay Google and others good money to buy that traffic. Being the loser that you are, you don’t have that sort of money in the first place, so no wonder the only person making money off the Jeff Paul system is Jeff Paul (and Carmen and Stacey and their four accomplices, and the guy who writes the script for this infomercial, who by the way is selling his services as an infomercial producer and has paid Google good money to put his ad up for anyone who searches Jeff Paul).

So much for your dreams of becoming an eBay Powerseller by doing no work and investing no money. Fortunately, there are other sure-fire ways to get rich quick, including that old standby – REAL ESTATE.

Yes, There Are People More Stupid Than You

Even in the fantasy world of the infomercial, they have heard of the real estate crash in the United States. In fact, the real estate crash was brought to us in part by the infomercial. Remember Carleton Sheets? For nearly two decades he touted his no-down-payment system of buying real estate without a deposit, and then flipping the property for big profits, or renting it out to create some easy cash flow, or even living in your dream mansion that you purchased with all the profits you made buying and selling real estate.

The thing about the Carleton Sheets infomercials is that the system actually worked for quite a while why property values went up, and partly because there were banks and mortgage brokers stupid enough to give you a mortgage with no down payment required. But then the real estate market topped out in late 2006 and everything fell apart. We don’t see Carleton Sheets on TV anymore – the last I heard of him he was trying to avoid foreclosure on some of his own properties. But the infomercial people, rapacious as ever, have found a way to make you rich buying real estate. Their secret? You’re going to buy real estate FROM PEOPLE STUPID ENOUGH TO HAVE USED THE CARLETON SHEETS PROGRAM!

They don’t put it quite this blatantly; these infomercials are dressed up as ways to profit from the foreclosure crisis. And the master guru of foreclosure investing is yet another dumpy, balding nobody you otherwise would not notice if he were walking naked down the street – John Beck. He sells the John Beck Free & Clear Real Estate System, along with his infomercial co-host, Michelle Boudreau, who is the real star of this show.

Michelle is the closest thing we have in this country to Sales Royalty. Seventy million people watched her routinely for years as a host on the Home Shopping Network. On HSN she worked with some of the classic TV hawkers, men like Tony Little with his ponytail and steroid-deformed arms, selling his exercise bicycles. Or weirder still is Esteban, whose shtick is selling $250 Spanish guitars, demonstrating them in his bolero hat and dark black sunglasses that must be surgically attached because he is never seen without them. He’s actually from Pittsburgh and his real name is Stephen Paul - maybe he’s the brother of Jeff.

Michelle left HSN and branched out into infomercials, where she co-starred with other famous pitchmen like Chef Tony and his kitchen gadgets, or former TV star Erik Estrada, who played Ponch on the 1970’s cop drama CHIPs, and later found happiness selling empty vacation lots in the Ozarks in Arkansas. At least in these infomercials, Michelle looked like the old Michelle Boudreau viewers remembered from HSN – long blond hair (pretty much de rigueur for women selling anything on TV), a cute smile, an excessively perky demeanor, and just the right combination of ignorance and amazement (“Chef Tony! – that’s delicious and it only took you three minutes to cook!”)

But something terrible has happened to Michelle. She’s made an unfortunate visit to the plastic surgeon, probably in one of those desperate Hollywood attempts woman have to take in order to compete with 20 year old newcomers. Now her eyes are stretched out at a bizarre angle over cheekbones that are way too prominent, and her lips take up a quarter of her face. Like a fish out of water, she’s constantly blowing her puffed up lips in and out as if desperate for air.

We have to watch these lips for half and hour, not just because Michelle has coated them with bright red varnish, but because her job is to summon up every ounce of ignorance and amazement at John Beck’s Free & Clear wonders. The reason she is so ignorant of what he is up to is because John Beck is selling us a deep dark secret that even experts in real estate don’t know - the government will sell you property for pennies on the dollar because some poor sucker didn’t pay his property taxes.

Why, look at this home that an investor bought for $588, just by paying off delinquent property taxes! This investor sold the property for $88,000! John Beck shows more and more pictures of homes bought for less than $1,000, and Michelle joins in as well, asking if it is true someone can do something so simple yet so profitable. That answer to that, of course, is “only if you know where to find these properties” – which is what John Beck will sell you for $39.95 (plus shipping and handling). That’s it; that’s the basic product – a list of properties near you that are in foreclosure and have tax liens on them. You can, of course, get this list for free just by asking your local county government.

Left unsaid in all this is that, within the pecking order of stupidity that starts with you the buyer of these infomercial systems, and then higher still the stupid people dumb enough to have lost their home because they couldn’t pay $588 in back taxes – is the very top of the heap - the government, which is willing to dispose of an $88,000 asset for $588. In the real world, of course, outside of infomercial fantasy, governments don’t sell properties for back taxes at the cost of the taxes; they auction them off at market prices. But John Beck is selling a fantasy, and like Jeff Paul, he makes his real money from repeated charges on your credit card, and expensive “private consulting” that runs into thousands of dollars.

So now that you have just about depleted your bank account trying to get rich on the internet and through real estate foreclosures, it’s time for you to scale back your financial commitment a bit and do something for yourself. It’s time for you to eat healthily. It’s time for you to buy the MAGIC BULLET!

Wouldn’t a Bullet to the Brain Be Better?

The original Magic Bullet is a blender contraption that slices and dices and minces and sashays its way into every cooks’ heart because it is so easy to use, takes up such little counter space, and can be cleaned in a jiffy. But that isn’t why people buy the Magic Bullet – all sorts of blenders can be bought for less at a department store. What really sells the Magic Bullet is the wonderment and amazement of the cast of characters who populate this infomercial, most of whom are now back on TV for a reprise selling the Magic Bullet To Go.

Most infomercials prefer the host and co-host format, or the pretend news documentary format that fools people into thinking this is real truth being presented. The Magic Bullet producers eschew all that in favor of a cast of actors who have become as beloved in television land as famous sitcom stars. In the first version of this infomercial, the cast appear to have assembled at someone’s home and have spent a night engaged in who-knows-what sort of debauchery – at least we presume they have because when we first meet them they are stumbling in the next morning to the kitchen for breakfast all hung over and otherwise dead to the world.

There they are met by Mick Hastie and Mimi Umidon, their hosts, who are prepared to cook up something quick for the crowd using the amazing Magic Bullet. Yes these two have last names, because these appear to be their real names, at least for Mick Hastie, who is credited with inventing the Original Magic Bullet and several other similar products. Mick is English with an East End accent, which is just perfect for convincing Americans he knows what he is talking about (it must be the well-known English skill at cooking that convinces people over here that they need a Magic Bullet).

Exactly what Mick’s relationship is with Mimi in the infomercial, or real life for that matter, is left to conjecture, but it sure looks like they are Living in Sin. For that matter, all the other cast members talk like they paired off the night before, at least they talk that way when they are not mouthing various expostulations at the incredible muffins, omelets, sandwiches, quiches, and fruit smoothies that can be prepared efficiently and quickly using the Magic Bullet.

I could go on about the different characters in this info-drama, but everyone’s favorite is Hazel. Writers in the 40’s use to call someone like her “hard-boiled.” Her red hair sprouts out at all angles, she sports triangular glasses that no one has worn in fifty years, and she has an unlit cigarette perpetually dangling from her mouth that causes her to mutter and splutter her way through the inane dialogue she’s been given. Half the fun of watching Hazel is figuring out who she’s sleeping with among this crowd.

Most people had a pretty good idea who this might be until the second infomercial came out celebrating the Magic Bullet to Go. This drama takes place outdoors at a camp. Apparently the crowd has been boating the day before, because the voice-over teases us with ways to make delicious omelets on a boat. Since the cast can’t pretend not to know that the Magic Bullet is the most wondrous kitchen device yet invented, they have to marvel at something else, and this time it is the ability of the Magic Bullet to perform its magic without an electrical cord plugged into an outlet. These are people who can’t quite fathom the Magic Bullet now has a battery incorporated into the base, so obviously there’s even more drinking going on than before. Mick and Mimi are still there, proudly showing off an object that looks like it would make a very effective horse dildo, and is that Hazel making eyes at Barney, or maybe even his wife Betty?

While we can’t call what is going on here wholesome family fun, at least the people selling the Magic Bullet aren’t out to cheat the customer with extra fees, ongoing charges, and perpetual pressure from salespeople. You know exactly what you are getting for $99.99 – you get not one, but two Magic Bullets. In fact, I have to give the Magic Bullet people credit for honesty. If you consult the typical questions asked on their website, here are the first four most common customer questions:

• Why does everything I chop turn into mush?
• Why does THE BULLET™ not crush ice, it just spins it around?
• What would cause the extractor to have so much pulp but no juice?
• It says everything is dishwasher safe, why did my cups come out deformed after I put in the dishwasher?

Well, so it’s not quite so magical after all. Who cares when you have a product that confounds and delights such typical Americans as Hazel, Mimi and Mick (even though Mick is sort of an honorary American). You buy the Magic Bullet not because it will make you rich, but because PEOPLE JUST LIKE YOU buy this product, and because in some way you can identify with the ridiculous characters on the infomercial. And who knows? With the Magic Bullet, maybe like them you too can live a life filled with drinking and sleeping around and, when all is said and done, having your hosts whip up some quesadillas and slurpies for breakfast.

Back to The Boobies!

There is so much more for Sean Paul to rediscover. There’s Tony Robbins, the Man with the Most Perfect Teeth in America, who’s made a fortune convincing people that a positive attitude is the secret to financial freedom and happiness. But if that doesn’t work for you, how about a colonic irrigation? That’s too disgusting to describe here, but a milder version involving eating certain foods, vitamins and minerals that can even cure cancer can be discovered if you are willing to buy the best selling book of Kevin Trudeau. He’s often been described as the man who can sell anything; even the federal investigators who indicted him for consumer fraud (he settled the case) have respect for his salesmanship. Trudeau is so versatile that he has branched out from the health racket into a new gig - helping people get out of debt. Naturally, he’s written a book on the topic which has gone to the best seller lists instantly, but his infomercial is notable for the many beautiful woman he has assembled in a round table format to talk about the problems people are having with debt.

There is no illusion that these ex-Playboy bunnies and pole dancers are financial experts. They are there to grace the stage as ornamentation and to show Kevin Trudeau as something of a “player”. So, you might ask, what’s with all the pretty babes and low cleavage on late night television? The infomercial industry knows its demographics very well. Young men and women watch late night TV in about equal numbers, but young men are the ones who enjoy surfing from channel to channel. Woman like to select something to watch and stick with it. So it is the men who are apt to stumble onto infomercials, and sex is the best way to get them to notice and stay around.

Which leads us to the ultimate infomercial – one of the most successful ever – Girls Gone Wild. These aren’t infomercials so much as extended commercials, but with their pixilated breasts and exploitative soft porn, they certainly catch the eye of a roving male audience. They’ve made producer Joe Francis a multi-millionaire, but he’s also run into trouble with the law for using under-age girls in these videos, and has paid over $2 million in fines (he was lucky not to receive an extended jail sentence).

It took a Joe Francis to discover that there are millions of pretty young girls in America so liberated and exuberant that they are willing to flash their breasts for free! Or at least, this is the fantasy that he sells; you’ve got to be awfully naïve to believe there is no money changing hands here, beyond the millions of dollars Joe Francis has managed to extract from the wallets of quite a few young American males. As to where this deception falls within the ranks of the many falsities that constitute infomercials, it is hard to say. Legislators around the country have seen fit to ban the Girls Gone Wild advertisements, but no one is stopping Jeff Paul or John Beck from exploiting desperate and delusional American consumers.

So Sean Paul – take your pick. You can get rich quick, do something about your flabby abs, cook up a mean omelet in three minutes, make a fortune trading options, titillate your erotic senses, enroll in a trade school to learn forensic science, help your local preacher save souls, extend your male member, clean out your colon - the world is your oyster, as they say. Or at least America is a particular sort of oyster. Welcome home!