Results of a ten-year study by the prestigious University of Newcastle Medical School have linked the common vuvuzela to a particularly aggressive form of mouth cancer, as well as brain damage and hearing loss.

Professor Samuel Kinison, PhD, MMD, BBS, MMS, RPG, BFG, Director of Crowd Chemistry and Acoustic Science at the university had grim news for frequent users of the popular plastic noisemaker.

"It's all those poly-bisphenols in the cheap plastic, combined with constant, cell-disrupting vibrations," he said. "Rips your cells apart, tearing into your lips and tongue. Before you know it, they swell up, mutate and get infected with cancer, gangrene, you name it."

Prof. Kinison showed photos of disturbing vuvuzela infections seen at a recent World Cup soccer match.

"The first photo shows the results of using a vuvuzela for just a few hours," he said.

"The second photo is a bit more extreme...this man tried to play 'God Save the Queen' on his vuvuzela. We were able to salvage part of the mouth with radical surgery."

Although these cases might cause some hesitation about using vuvuzelas, Professor Kinison urged against panic.

"I just hope this doesn't discourage the use of vuvuzelas in moderation," he said. "These are extreme examples, and I don't want to give anybody the impression that an occasional soft toot on one of these entertaining toys is terribly dangerous. It's the long, irritating use of these things that can really rip your face apart into bloody, reeking ribbons."

Meanwhile, the professor encouraged all soccer fans to enjoy their World Cup.

"Remember, surgery is always an option," he said.