I'm not much of a chef. I bought a huge marinated pork loin from Costco, brought it home, cut it in half, wrapped it in tin foil, tossed it on my mom's propane grille, lit it up, set all three burners to high, then walked away to watch a Minnesota Twins baseball game on TV for a few minutes while the grille warmed up.

Just for a few minutes...

Tragically, it was a really exciting, dramatic baseball game. A real barn-burner. Twins won, and then I thought, "Oh shit. What about the pork loin?" I raced to the grille, whose thermometer was pegged at 550 degrees Fahrenheit.

For three hours. Oops.

Talk about burnt barns! I took no photos of what lay inside the smoking tin foil. It was, shall we say, partially carbonized. I felt shame, for what I had done was a sin. Not just a waste of food, but all the work and effort it took to feed the animal, slaughter it, clean it, package it, transport it and sell it to stupid me.

How to dispose of the grisly remains? First I considered simply chucking it into the nearest garbage bin. But then I reconsidered.

Burrito fixins!

With a sharp cutting tool I removed the sizzling, char-blackened bottom portions of the semi-incinerated pork loin, then cut the remains into half-inch chunks. Not really cubes, because it pretty much fell apart. Mmmmm.

It still smelled a little, um, carbon-y, so I rinsed the chunks in a plastic bag, poured out the darker juice a few times, then tossed in a handful of dried minced onion, some garlic pepper and a little fennel. I let it soak in that poultice for a day, then poured off the excess and froze what was left. Now it smells like onions and garlic.

Iron Chef, meet the Blow Torch Gourmet!

Now it is a simple thing to incorporate this abused animal's flesh into my handy recipe for homemade breakfast burritos. To wit:

• Half handful of diced, frozen green pepper
• Half handful of diced, frozen onion
• Half handful of diced, frozen pork loin (or 2 breakfast sausages)
• A few shakes of McCormick Taco Seasoning
• A few shakes of LePack Cajun Seasoning

Into a nukable container, nuke for 30 sec. with top OFF (evaporates water).

Remove, cut the sausages if desired. Pour fake eggs on top.
Maybe another shake of Cajun. Add cheese if desired.
Nuke another 30 sec. with top OFF. Remove, divide and turn eggs, back in for 30 to 60 sec. with top ON, depending on power of your nuker.

Back out of the nuke, lay down a plate with a tortilla, spread some burrito paste on it. What paste is that?

Jimbo's Nasty Burrito Paste:

• Flaked refried beans
• Flaked black beans
• Minced onion
• Chili powder
• Cumin
• Taco Seasoning
• Habañero juice (found the ñ!)

Boil the dried beans in enough water to make paste. Add spices, store in plastic container in fridge.

This actually takes very little time if you prep and refrigerate the stuff.

After spreading a little paste on the tortilla, pile on the egg stuff, wrap it affectionately and give it one more mini nuking for 30 sec. Add Sriracha Chili sauce or something else for pep, see vu play.

Is your mouth watering yet?

I won't claim this is healthy food. In fact, this is just another way that swine can kill you, besides incubating mutant viruses. Eat enough pork, and eventually you will morph into a large, fat animal. However, it is tasty.

This little piggy is ready for your tummy!

And at least I didn't throw it all away.