Of course this isn't an actual quote, because frankly, who would claim it? It's not a lyrical saying from holy scripture or the calculated words of a great philosopher, because it's just too damned obvious to bother, right? It's slightly more difficult than, "Don't piss on your own leg."

And yet, collectively our species seems to have missed this simple, obvious bit of common sense all throughout history. Go back as far as you want in chiseled rock or scraps of papyrus and you'll find evidence of kings and warlords making war on each other or exploiting each other as slaves or to build pyramids or other goofy shit.

Here's an idea: Take every bible, holy writ, constitution and otherwise set of written rules, then stick one of those "Hi, My Name Is..." stickers on the cover page. Then, instead of writing somebody's name on it, print in block letters "It is better to make friends than to make enemies." Don't quote me or anything, because it's just too fucking embarrassing to attach anybody's name to something so fucking obvious. But leave it right there on the front, because apparently our species is just to damned remedial to keep it in mind for more than a couple days.

There are other lessons you could put on that sticker. "Don't step on the end of a rake." "Yes, it's loaded." "Gravity works." "Don't shit where you eat." "Your kids will find it." "Eat more fruits and veggies." "Get a little exercise." But I don't want to clutter the message, because even people supposedly as smart as Barack Obama appear to need help in this vital area.

President Obama, I have loads of advice for you. Really. But if you can get this one through your head, I'll be as happy as a fly on a pie. Next time you're considering whether to bomb somebody or lock them in cages and torture them, please remember that it is better to make friends than to make enemies. And feel free to pass it on, sans attribution. Please.