(cross-posted at The People's Republic of Seabrook)

While on an elliptical trainer at the gym yesterday morning, I was stuck watching Mitt Romney's exit-but-not-an-exit speech to that pack of self-righteous jackals known as the Conservative Political Action Committee. It was such a self-serving piece of crap that I couldn't let it pass without response. I'll get to that in a bit, though. First off, I want to make clear that I'm not unalterably opposed to Conservatism- it's Conservatives I have a problem with. Some of the tenets of Conservatism- strength, economic growth, personal responsibility, and small goverment, f'rinstance- are laudable and desirable goals. Most "movement Conservatives", though, are stuck in some sort of Reaganite authoritarian time-warp. I half-expected Romney to announce that he's had Reagan exhumed and that he was propped up on the dais next to Laura Ingraham. Ronald Reagan- the patron saint of Conservatives even today- still holds sway over the True Believer wing of the GOP. Yes, the man may be dead, but there are no shortage of Conservatives competing to assume the Reagan mantle.

Nothing like living in the past, eh?

After being a captive audience for Romney's paean to himself and "the way things oughta be", I thought the least I could do is critique his speech....

"As I said to you last year, conservative principles are needed now more than ever. We face a new generation of challenges, challenges which threaten our prosperity, our security and our future. I am convinced that unless America changes course, we will become the France of the 21st century – still a great nation, but no longer the leader of the world, no longer the superpower.

Why are so many Conservatives concerned with ensuring that America is the world's pre-eminent power? Not that this is a bad thing, of course, but is it really necessary for us to be top dog? Given our efforts over the last 60+ years to export democracy and capitalism to the rest of the world, it stands to reason that eventually someone else will rise to America's level...and there's room for other countries on this pedestal.

And since when is being France something worthy of derision??

"The threat to our culture comes from within. The 1960's welfare programs created a culture of poverty. Some think we won that battle when we reformed welfare, but the liberals haven't given up. At every turn, they try to substitute government largesse for individual responsibility. They fight to strip work requirements from welfare, to put more people on Medicaid, and to remove more and more people from having to pay any income tax whatsoever. Dependency is death to initiative, risk-taking and opportunity. Dependency is a culture-killing drug. We have got to fight it like the poison it is.

Ah, the obligatory "This nation is going to hell in a handbasket" argument. On this point, though, I don't necessarily disagree with Romney- dependence is a poison. One need look no farther than New Orleans or most other inner cities to see the truth of that. But while Romney and movement Conservatives decry welfare as creating dependency, the have no alternative for how this nation takes care of the sick, the infirm, and the truly, desperately poor.

Liberals are willing to work with Conservatives to effect change when it comes to the social safety net. What we're not willing to do is to eliminate it altogether. It appears, though, that Conservatives are willing to do little more than whine and moan about the injustice of it all. Yeah, that's constructive, eh?

"The attack on faith and religion is no less relentless. And tolerance for pornography – even celebration of it – and sexual promiscuity, combined with the twisted incentives of government welfare programs have led to today's grim realities: 68% of African American children are born out-of-wedlock, 45% of Hispanic children, and 25% of White children. How much harder it is for these children to succeed in school and in life. A nation built on the principles of the Founding Fathers cannot long stand when its children are raised without fathers in the home.

I would agree that the demise of nuclear families is not a good thing, but to blame today's ills on that alone is to take an overly simplistic view of modern American culture. Yes, strong families can and do translate into a strong nation, but the lack of educational and economic opportunity also contributes to children not succeeding in school and in life. An NBA basketball player makes millions to play a kid's game, and yet we pay our teaching as little as we possibly can. I'm all for the free market, but isn't it about time we addressed our out-of-whack priorities?

To make matters worse, our economy is becoming increasingly service-based - McDonalds, Walmart, Home Depot, etc., ad infinitum, ad nauseum. These jobs simply don't pay well enough to raise and support a family. They do, however, ensure that CEOs and other corporate executives continue to enjoy outsized salaries and bonuses.

"The development of a child is enhanced by having a mother and father. Such a family is the ideal for the future of the child and for the strength of a nation. I wonder how it is that unelected judges, like some in my state of Massachusetts, are so unaware of this reality, so oblivious to the millennia of recorded history. It is time for the people of America to fortify marriage through Constitutional amendment, so that liberal judges cannot continue to attack it.

Marriage as an institution is not what needs strengthened. What needs strengthening is this nation's commitment to families. While Conservatives continue to bang the drums for the outdated notion that the only acceptable family unit is one with a man and a woman at it's head, government policies continue to become increasingly anti-family.

What's anti-family is allowing oil companies to gouge Americans with ever-increasing gas prices. As the cost of fuel continues to increase, virtually everything an American family needs is impacted, driving the cost for everything from milk to bread to orange juice higher.

Once again, Conservatives focus on a moral issue as the cause of the decline of the American family, when the actual cause is economic and policy-based. Then again, it's much easier to piss and moan about the immorality of alternative families than to actually DO SOMETHING to relieve the increasing economic stresses families of all sorts find themselves under.

"Europe is facing a demographic disaster. That is the inevitable product of weakened faith in the Creator, failed families, disrespect for the sanctity of human life and eroded morality. Some reason that culture is merely an accessory to America's vitality; we know that it is the source of our strength. And we are not dissuaded by the snickers and knowing glances when we stand up for family values, and morality, and culture. We will always be honored to stand on principle and to stand for principle.

Since when is hatred and oppression of those who think, believe, and live differently than you a "family value"? And doesn't it figure that Romney would figure out a way to toss a bone to Social Conservatives, who've managed to convince themselves that the reason America is "going to Hell in a handbasket" is that Godless Libruls are front and center advancing the Homosexual Agenda? Wishing that things were "the way they oughta be" is not a family value. It borders on self-delusion.

"Our prosperity and security also depend on finally acting to become energy secure. Oil producing states like Russia and Venezuela, Saudi Arabia and Iran are siphoning over $400 billion per year from our economy – that's almost what we spend annually for defense. It is past time for us to invest in energy technology, nuclear power, clean coal, liquid coal, renewable sources and energy efficiency. America must never be held hostage by the likes of Putin, Chavez, and Ahmadinejad.

And yet Conservatives like Romney continue to protect the prerogatives of Big Oil. If they are serious about investing in alternative energy sources, then they will have to realize that doing so is going to piss off one of the biggest benefactors. Every invested in alternative energy sources is a dollar not destined for Lee Raymond's pocket.

Yes, energy indepence, or at least self-sufficiency, is a laudable and desirable goal. Until Conservatives start walking the walk, however, nothing will change. They sure can talk a good game, though....

"It's high time to lower taxes, including corporate taxes, to take a weed-whacker to government regulations, to reform entitlements, and to stand up to the increasingly voracious appetite of the unions in our government.

Right; let's just give Big Business a clear path to outsource jobs overseas, squeeze employee health care, pollute the environment, and turn workers into commodities- units of production from which ever-greater effort and efficiencies should be expected while they continue to be underpaid. And let's not forget that unions are responsible for preventing so many instances of taking advantage of workers. As companies look to increase profit margins- often at the expense of workers- it's been unions who have stood up to Big Business to demand that workers be treated as human beings and not commodities.

"And finally, let's consider the greatest challenge facing America – and facing the entire civilized world: the threat of violent, radical Jihad. In one wing of the world of Islam, there is a conviction that all governments should be destroyed and replaced by a religious caliphate. These Jihadists will battle any form of democracy. To them, democracy is blasphemous for it says that citizens, not God shape the law. They find the idea of human equality to be offensive. They hate everything we believe about freedom just as we hate everything they believe about radical Jihad.

Right...and Conservatives are about as well-informed and knowledgeable about Islam and radical Islamofascism as Islamofascists are about us. By painting those who would harm us as irredeemably evil and worthy only of our scorn, we are creating a generation of Americans conditioned to hate Islam, when the reality is that Islam is not the problem. Ignorant religious zealots (of which this country has no lack) are the problem. Until we base our battle against radical Islamofascism on understanding instead of pure, unadulterated hatred, we are destined to continue fighting the war on terror while making little discernible progress.

"Soon, the face of liberalism in America will have a new name. Whether it is Barack or Hillary, the result would be the same if they were to win the Presidency. The opponents of American culture would push the throttle, devising new justifications for judges to depart from the Constitution. Economic neophytes would layer heavier and heavier burdens on employers and families, slowing our economy and opening the way for foreign competition to further erode our lead.

Yes...Godless Libruls BAD...Patriotic, God-fearing Conservatives GOOD. Simplistic and built to stay that way...and yet it's the very core of Conservative philosophy.

Conservatives have had the reigns of government for the past eight years...and what do we have to show for it? Well, how about transforming a balanced budget into one containing the largest deficit in American history- one that our children and grandchildren will be responsible for paying off? How about a senseless war in Iraq, a war that has NOTHING to do with our safety and security or the war against terror? How about the continuing erosion of our civil liberties? How about an Administration intent of installing Dominionist theocrats throughout all levels of the federal government? I could go on, but you get the point....

Yeah, Conservatives sure have done a helluva job as the majority party, haven't they??

"To battle this threat, we have sent the most courageous and brave soldiers in the world. But their numbers have been depleted by the Clinton years when troops were reduced by 500,000, when 80 ships were retired from the Navy, and when our human intelligence was slashed by 25%. We were told that we were getting a peace dividend. We got the dividend, but we didn't get the peace. In the face of evil in radical Jihad and given the inevitable military ambitions of China, we must act to rebuild our military might – raise military spending to 4% of our GDP, purchase the most modern armament, re-shape our fighting forces for the asymmetric demands we now face, and give the veterans the care they deserve.

And can we lose the "legislating from the bench" canard? A judge may not interpret the law based on the realities of the 18th century, but that doesn't mean he or she is a "Liberal" jurist. Too many Conservatives expect judges to espouse "strict constructionism" without admitting to the reality that we live in the 21st century, not the 18th. Time marches on, law evolves, things change. It's the reality of the human experience. Get over it, willya??

"And Barack and Hillary have made their intentions clear regarding Iraq and the war on terror. They would retreat and declare defeat. And the consequence of that would be devastating. It would mean attacks on America, launched from safe havens that make Afghanistan under the Taliban look like child's play. About this, I have no doubt.

"I disagree with Senator McCain on a number of issues, as you know. But I agree with him on doing whatever it takes to be successful in Iraq, on finding and executing Osama bin Laden, and on eliminating Al Qaeda and terror. If I fight on in my campaign, all the way to the convention, I would forestall the launch of a national campaign and make it more likely that Senator Clinton or Obama would win. And in this time of war, I simply cannot let my campaign, be a part of aiding a surrender to terror.

When will Conservatives take off their blinders and wake up to the reality that the war in Iraq has NOTHING to do with the war on terror? There was no terrorist threat extant in Iraq prior to the American invasion. Our Glorious and Benevolent Leader's © Excellent Adventure in Iraq © has really only been successful in one respect- it's created the very terrorist threat Conservatives have convinced themselves we must fight to the death.

The terrorist threat was in Afghanistan, yet we hear nothing from Conservatives about the need to take the fight to al-Qaeda in the search to capture Osama bin-Laden IN AFGHANISTAN. It's as if these drones have swilled the KoolAid for so long now that they actually believe that Iraq is the central front in the war on terror. If it is, it's only because we made it so.

Leaving Iraq is not about surrender. It's about ending a bloody, pointless war that has bled this country of far too much blood and treasure over the past five years. It's about redeploying American forces so that they are actually fighting the war on terror instead of propping up a long-since-failed policy in Iraq. This generation's Vietnam (and what else could it truly be called?) has so far killed 4000 Americans (and wounded, maimed, and psychically scarred thousands more) for no discernible reason. After untold billions of dollars and thousands of casualties, we're still no safer or more secure. In fact, a credible argument could be made that the war in Iraq has made us less safe and secure than we were prior to March, 2003.

Making intelligent decisions based on undeniable truths is NOT surrender- unless you're a Conservative Chickenhawk who refuses to admit to the reality that the war in Iraq may be about many things, but it's NOT about terrorism.

Romney's speech was ultimately all about CPAC patting themselves on the back for their outstanding patriotism and superior American values. His (and CPAC's) brand of Conservatism is less about classical Conservative philosophy than it is about not only maintaining, but CELEBRATING what has been the most inept, venal, corrupt, and hopefully incompetent Administration in this nation's history. Conservatives hate John McCain because he doesn't unthinkingly march in ideological lockstep with them, but McCain is smart enough to recognize that today's Conservative movement is a recipe for self-delusion, ignorance of reality, and stunning, unimaginable failure.

CPAC and their fellow travellers may have given Mitt Romney a rousing sendoff as he folded his tent, but what they fail to recognize is that most Americans aren't True Believers. Americans want results, not ideological purity...and they recognize that Conservatives are not geared for results. What Conservatives care for more than anything is unquestioning fealty to core Conservative beliefs, regardless of whether those beliefs make for sound policy or not.

WE DESERVE BETTER.