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The Jehoshua Novels


Cat beats investment professionals in picking stocks

Credit: The Observer, Jill Insley

Credit: The Observer, Jill Insley

Orlando the Cat has trounced so called investment professionals in picking stocks, probably because he wasn’t focused on touting garbage stocks to clients (AKA “muppets”, as Goldman employees have charmingly called them) then secretly shorting the stocks, thus making money on both ends. Oh gosh, there I go again with my cynicism. Surely in the august realms of the big investment banks there must be at least of couple of banks who don’t reap financial rewards by laundering drug money and screwing clients. Perhaps an alert reader will clue me in on who they are.

While the professionals used their decades of investment knowledge and traditional stock-picking methods, the cat selected stocks by throwing his favourite toy mouse on a grid of numbers allocated to different companies.

This technique is also favored by the Federal Reserve as documented in that crucial South Park episode where the Fed decided what to do next by decapitating a chicken and watching where it died on a wheel of fortune, all of which is probably more accurate and saner that the corrupt, gamed, and incompetent financial system we have now.

southpark-chicken

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