In a surprise move, the administration today named Washington Redskins owner Dan Snyder to head up the war effort in Afghanistan. The former advertising moghul and renaissance man will assume full control immediately. He held a rare press conference in Ashburn, Virginia.

“With my Redskins on the way to victory I can give something back to my country by leading it to victory, too. Managerial skills are all the same,” Snyder insisted. “If you can run a successful telemarketing business like I did, you can win a war – it’s not that hard. And I’m going to do to Afghanistan what I’ve done to the Redskins.” The boisterous sports aficionados fell silent. They knew he could do it.

When asked about counterinsurgency, Snyder hesitated for a moment then replied, “It’s a lot like the counter-trey – the old reliable play John Riggins ran so well. We’ll run that counterinsurgency until the Cowbo . . . until the Taliban have had enough.”

The matter of garnering support from the Afghan people naturally arose and Snyder was ready for it. “Look, I know I won’t be popular there at first, but some of you might remember that I wasn’t very popular when I first bought the Redskins.” Several in the room nodded readily. “I’ll win over the hearts and minds of the Afghans just like I did the football fans here.”

One skeptical reporter, his press ticket crumpled in his fedora, asked how Snyder would get the US public to support his efforts so far away. “Rivalries!” he shot back. “Americans want to see the return of traditional rivalries. So I’m going to do everything I can to see that those great contests between India and Pakistan come back – to say nothing about those classic Iran-Taliban match-ups. Call me a sentimental fool, but I’m going to work on rekindling that old US-Russia rivalry we grew up on.”

He went on to outline his strategy. “Development – that’s what Afghanistan needs right now. The people there don’t need another irrigation system. More schools? Hell, I’m a dropout and I’ve got more money than Karzai does.” The audience listened in awe.

“Entertainment – that’s what Afghans want! They need to forget the tedious and thankless work of stuffing ballot boxes, harvesting poppies, and laying the same old ambushes week after week. That’s where my Six Flags Over Kabul comes in.” Knowing his cue, Jim Zorn undraped an elaborate drawing of a sprawling theme park. “Afghans are justly proud of all the foreigners that have come and gone over the years and they want to pay homage to the Greeks, Mongols, Persians, Russians, and British that helped to make Afghanistan what it is today. Americans will take their rightful place as number six on the list of those who have come to sunny Afghanistan, been charmed by its reticent natives, then left with lasting memories.”

“Do you plan on personally visiting Afghanistan?” asked another reporter, this one sporting a lengthy beard and colorful turban. “Why . . . no . . . not personally,” Snyder answered. “But in my stead I am sending Vinny Cerrato, who will meet with leaders of the Pashtun tribes.” Effusive applause and even a few cheers signaled warm approval of Snyder sending his right-hand man to Afghanistan. Cerrato strode buoyantly to the mike and stated, “I might just find a pretty good offensive coordinator over there.” In the back of the room, Redskin quarterback Jason Campbell sat stoically. Running back Clinton Portis asked what many there were wondering: “Isn’t that where you got the last four?”

On a related note, the Redskins denied reports that the team was dropping its controversial name and logo in favor of the more up-to-date Washington Mujahadin.

Copyright 2009 Brian M. Downing
Brian M. Downing is a political-military analyst who at the age of sixteen shook hands with Sonny Jurgensen. He (Downing, not Jurgensen) can be reached at brianmdowning@gmail.com.