The scandal involving Illinois governor Rod Blagojevich leaves us with an inescapable and valuable lesson – one that can be carried from political life into personal life. The lesson is not that we cannot trust politicians from Chicago or Crook County. That is well known and I would not waste readers’ time trafficking in the obvious. The lesson is this:

Don’t. . . .

You’ll be sorry. . . .

You’ve been warned.

Why is this so? Well, such hairstyling betokens vanity as surely as smoke does fire, as surely as the Washington Redskins’ management does lousy personnel decisions. Men with neatly-coiffed hair are as concerned with themselves as were Habsburg monarchs, and as concerned with others as Habsburg monarchs were with the chattel who toiled on imperial estates. MNHs are also marketers – of ideals, values, and selves. Those things matter little to them; they fix only on the sales pitch, guile, stump speech, and the deal. Everything’s for sale, except their favorite mirrors and styling gels. MNH’s are always on the make, too. A babe on the arm helps the vanity and smoothes out the deal. And the deal is often a con.

They’re unreliable. Ya can’t trust ‘em.

Perhaps you’ve encountered them. (How can you not have?) The salesman who assures you he is giving you a great deal, one good for that day only. The consultant who spouts tired lines couched in hackneyed expressions such as “thinking outside of the box.” And the mountebank-cum-politician who promises to shake things up in Washington. Yup, the deal is often a con.

There may be some people with Hyper-Tonsorial Syndrome who have not fully developed the symptoms of vanity, crassness, guile, infidelity, and general untrustworthiness. But they are on the path. There is time for them to change their ways. Here are some warning signs.

–When the latest Hammacher Schlemmer catalog arrives, you feign interest in the iPod for the shower, but really look for hair products.

–When the weather report calls for strong winds, it is as though the Cossacks are coming.

–Your DVD library contains every film made by Robert Redford and George Hamilton. Conspicuously absent are the many splendid oevres of Mickey Rourke and Larry of the Three Stooges.

–You’ve initiated a petition drive to have the discoverers of Rogaine awarded a humanitarian prize.

–Though you are a staunch conservative, there’s nonetheless something you admire about Bill Clinton and Christopher Dodd. (Joe Biden has risen in your esteem over recent years.)

–Though you are an ardent liberal, there’s something puzzlingly appealing about Mitt Romney and Jimmy Swaggart. (You still don’t like Ike.)

–When John Travolta’s father cuffed him and mussed his hair in Saturday Night Fever, you recoiled in horror then experienced a powerful sense of compassion. “Poor Tony . . . poor, poor Tony.”

There, there. Pull yourself together, man. It’s not too late. The path you’ve embarked upon has forks and U-turns – ones that do not entail a two-month stay on Parris Island. Consider alternate role models. Steve McQueen and Paul Newman, for instance. And abandon any interest in running for political office.

It’s not too late.

~ ©2008 Brian M. Downing
Brian M. Downing is the author of several works of political and military history, including The Military Revolution and Political Change and The Paths of Glory: War and Social Change in America from the Great War to Vietnam.  He can be reached at brianmdowning@gmail.com.