A stockbroker called me the other day with yet another pick. It was Devon, the same guy who told me a month ago that Bear Stearns was a screaming, slam-your-hands-on-the-table, back-the truck-up-and-load-up buy. I say short the market on occasional spikes that fortune sends our way, but I listened to him just the same.

Devon: Mr Downing? Hi, this is Devon from New American Century. I know you’re very busy and I won’t take much of your time. It’s just that . . . well, damn it, Mr Downing, this opportunity is so exciting I just had to let you know about it! May I call you Brian?

Me: No, but go on.

Devon: Okay, that’s fine. Listen, the company is US Enterprises, Iraq. It’s about five years old and . . .

Me: Wasn’t it delisted for fraud and put on Pink Sheets?

Devon: Well, no one’s been indicted and actually it’s on Bulletin Board, but looking forward, it’s a real comer and . . .

Me: Who brought them public?

Devon: Ummm, let’s see . . . oh yes, Rumsfeld & Wolfowitz – a very reputable outfit, I’d say.

Me: Are they still in it?

Devon: Uh no . . . not per se . . . not as such.

Me: Have any other big names gotten out?

Devon: Powell, Libby, Pearle, Feith, Wurmser . . .

Me: Are any of their kids getting into this?

Devon: Are you out of your fu. . . . I mean . . . no, not that I know of, not per se. But there are many foreign interests with appreciable stakes in US Enterprises, Iraq.

Me: France? Germany?

Devon: They missed the boat.

Me: What about Britain?

Devon: It looks like they’re pulling out.

Me: Israel?

Devon: They’ve never had anything to do with it, I assure you.

Me: Hmmmm. Spain? Italy? S. Korea?

Devon: They’ve pulled out. I think they had to pay their kids’ tuition.

Me: That would explain it. What about management? Is there a steady management team in place?

Devon: Well, let’s see. In the last five years there’s been Franks, Sanchez, Casey, Garner, Bremer, Negroponte . . . but they’ve got the right man on the ground there now, I tell ya. Petraeus – he went to Princeton!

Me: Is it profitable yet?

Devon: No, not yet.

Me: What’s the burn rate?

Devon: About ten billion dollars a month.

Me: WHAT!!! How do the shareholders feel about that?

Devon: They don’t really pay much attention. You shoulda seen the last shareholders meeting; Petraeus had them eating out of his hand. In any case, they just downsized thirty-thousand people and attacks on the business are down to only several hundred a month.

Me: I guess that’s encouraging. What about the competition?

Devon: Not much gets past you, Brian . . .

Me: It’s still Mr Downing.

Devon: Oh yeah . . . Mr Downing. Well, there’s Iranian Enterprises, Iraq.

Me: How long have they been in business in the region?

Devon: About four thousand years.

Me: Isn’t that a significant advantage? I mean, they might have connections with the Iraqi people and government.

Devon: Well yes, they pay off the prime minister and the leaders of the other main parties too – and have been doing so for years. They also pretty much control the local army . . . uhhh, armies. It seems they’re all in some strange religious sect or something.

Me: Shi’a.

Devon: You got that right!

Me: Well, how does management plan to deal with that? It’s not like the Mossadegh days anymore.

Devon: I don’t know that company. But listen, I shouldn’t be telling you this, Mr Downing, but since you’re practically family I’m gonna let you in on something: I think we’re going to bomb them into the Uh-kee . . . Uh-kee-ma-nid Age!

Me: Devon, do you know when the Achaemenid Age was?

Devon: Not really, it’s just something I saw on a Power Point presentation to optimize my pitch. Was that the Shah?

Me: I think it was a little before the Shah. What about security? Does this have anything to do with our national security?

Devon: [Laughing] Mr Downing, Mr Downing, Mr Downing! No one asks how things relate to national security anymore! That’s like asking about debt or the fine print in mortgages. It’s so . . . so Ron Paul!

Me: I see. Well, what if things work out, then what?

Devon: We can leverage off it and expand operations into Syria! I mean, we have to strike while the Iran is hot!

Me: Devon, was that in the Power Point presentation too?

Devon: Yes, it was. And we were told to use it as we transitioned to this – how much can we start you off with? Ten thousand shares? Twenty?

Me: I don’t think I’m interested per se. I already have a lot on my plate, it’s a bit speculative for me, and I have to pay my kids’ tuition. And frankly, it sounds like a lose/lose situation – looking forward of course.

Devon: But Mr Downing, you already are in it. You have half a trillion dollars in US Enterprises, Iraq!

Me: What!!! [Sound of phone dropping to the floor]

Devon: May I call you Brian now? Did you know that if you stacked a half tril. . . .

~ ©2008 Brian M. Downing
Brian M. Downing is a regular contributor to The Agonist and the author of several works of political and military history, including The Military Revolution and Political Change and The Paths of Glory: War and Social Change in America from the Great War to Vietnam. He can be reached at brianmdowning@gmail.com.