To write about the prostitute is akin to engaging in a discussion about the psychological condition of a split personality. Except, in this case, the split is not in one person but rather, in the sexual nature of an entire gender as expressed by the different expectations of a wife and a prostitute. This unnatural duality is a measure of how female sexuality has been ripped apart, distorted and used to subjugate and denigrate women with the prostitute being the lesser of a lesser species. The principal function of the prostitute woman is to sexually please the male any time and in any shape or form without reciprocity; that is the raison d’etre of her existence.
Part 1 can be read here
Her soul and spirituality have been extracted from her sexual nature that is often equated with vileness. In other words, her sexuality is dead; she is a mere vesicle, a cavity, a hole for the male to masturbate into.
Conversely, the sexuality of a woman who is molded to become a wife is stunted and is insecure in its expression as it is required to follow society’s strict rules as to when and how it can manifest itself ”“ at times therefore, her sexual nature is also forced to be dead. This creates great confusion, feelings of guilt, and extreme frustration within the female as her sex drive is constant and strong and is not attached to a dimmer switch that can adjust it and turn it on or off. Both culturally induced aspects of the sexual female have been used to divide women into good and bad and to pit them against each other – all in the name of paternity. Rather than giving equal responsibility to both genders to ensure paternity, patriarchy selfishly chose, through the use of brute force, to make women the sole gatekeepers. Thus, it created the prostitute.
Although prostitution originated in Mesopotamia four thousand years ago (see Part 1), in today’s society, the role of the prostitute remains strong. This, in spite of the fact, that the continuation of a separate and inferior class of females is at odds with the advances made in the principles of ethical thought as well as in liberal and progressive discourse, not to mention human rights.
The ‘work’ of a prostitute
Whether consenting or forced, whether on the street, in a legal or illegal brothel, or in the Plaza hotel, prostitution is:
…. the use of a woman’s body for sex by a man, he pays money, he does what he wants. The minute you move away from what it really is, you move away from prostitution into the world of ideas….Prostitution is not an idea. It is the mouth, the vagina, the rectum, penetrated usually by a penis, sometimes hands, sometimes objects, by one man and then another and then another and then another and then another. That’s what it is…. Source
She meets ”˜tricks’ – aka kerb crawlers – on the street, gets into their cars and performs for and upon them whatever they ask. She forms the underbelly of the prostitution industry; she is asked to do a lot for very little money and is often met with violence. Young girls that come from broken homes monopolize this type of prostitution. As one girl said, “We’ve all been molested. Over and over, and raped. We were all molested and sexually abused as children, don’t you know that? We ran to get away. . . . We were thrown out, thrown away. We’ve been on the street since we were 12, 13, 14“. (pdf, pg, 5)
Then there are the brothels, legal and illegal, where consenting and trafficked prostitutes work. Although the PR claims otherwise, an investigation into the legal Nevada brothels has shown that the prostitutes work under slave-like conditions. The brothel owners are outrageously strict and demand exorbitant fines from the prostitutes for the slightest infraction. Fall asleep on your 14-hour shift and get $100 fine, late for a line-up, $100-500 in fines. The brothel owners typically pocket half of the women’s money”. Although more than 80% of the prostitutes told the investigator that they wished to leave prostitution no exit strategies were in place.
A grotesque exercise in the dehumanization of women is carried out routinely at Sheri’s Ranch, a legal brothel about an hour’s ride outside of Vegas. There the women have to respond like Pavlov’s dog to an electronic bell that might ring at any hour of the day or night. At the sound of the bell, the prostitutes have five minutes to get to an assembly area where they line up, virtually naked, and submit to a humiliating inspection by any prospective customer who has happened to drop by. Source
The situations of call girls and high end prostitutes are less traumatic. While these women enter prostitution voluntarily, they are not immune to physical assault and psychological damage. Some escorts experience violent incidents that require a visit to a hospital an average of twice per year. These women are attracted to the quick and high financial gain afforded by working as a call girl or escort and become addicted to the high lifestyle. Their double life however, takes a toll and they may turn to drugs as the business grinds them down emotionally and spiritually. Since their work depends on their young age and good looks, at the end of their brief ”˜career’ they often find themselves without marketing skills and experience a deep dive in their income. Although a few call girls are university students that have used the money to obtain a degree. Since the invention of the Internet the demand for call girls has increased ”“ and 50-75 % of men who seek out escorts are married.
That said, despite the fact that the higher priced and consenting prostitutes present only a tiny fraction of the sexual underworld of prostitution, the pro prostitution lobby mainly focuses on this group to defend the practice of visiting a prostitute. They wish to ignore the fact that it is the demand of every individual man combined that drives all forms of prostitution. The middle aged man, who can afford to order an escort from his hotel room, like he would order a pizza, is as responsible for the trafficking of women and extensive violence committed against prostitutes elsewhere. But the principle of cause and effect that is vigorously debated in the current financial meltdown is conveniently ignored when discussing prostitution. What is even more disturbing is that, despite the common awareness of the psychological and physical harm done to prostitute women, males do not abate from patronizing the sex trade. While fundamentalists tend to focus on women’s availability at home, liberal men tend to focus on women’s public availability, but BOTH want women to be members of the sex caste and at their service.
Ironically, women that enter prostitution or run prostitution enterprises voluntarily are complicit in the continued degradation of their own gender. As with the women that choose to wear veils, a large number of females in the west, prostitutes and non prostitutes alike, have similarly adopted and internalized the gender specific cultural view of themselves, a view they took no part in shaping. Some women, like the consenting prostitutes and the one that offered Graham a ”˜blow job’, therefore, have no qualms about taking advantage of exploiting their culturally assigned role as ”˜sex object’ for the considerable financial reward it reaps. That women respond in the sexual acts that dehumanize them is testimony to patriarchal construction of normal sexuality. (pdf, pg, 35) Nevertheless,
many experts argue that the female sex workers are not the real drivers of prostitution. Instead the business survives because of demand from the legions of males who have problems in their relationships with women. Source
In a comment to my previous essay, I was reminded that human males have an increased tendency towards violence and that this violence can express itself in all aspects of social interaction. One does not have to be an archaeologist to understand that the natural aggression of males was originally intended to be used as a tool to survive. When the prehistoric male employed his physical strength to aggressively kill an animal to provide food for the women, children and elderly in the camp, or to protect them, his aggression was used as an act of survival and love. Since women, as gatherers and hunters of small game, also contributed to the food basket there was no reason for the males to beat them up. Their gender specific activities were equally important and valued. Furthermore, before awareness of paternity, women were revered for their reproductive capabilities, as evidenced by the worship by both genders of numerous ancient fertility Goddesses. It would appear that since the vast majority (over 90 %) of human images from 30,000 to 5,000 B.C. are female, the feminine principle dominated human consciousness far longer than the masculine principle. It is only with the introduction of Patriarchy to the human story that males began to use their physical strength against women in order to control them. The violence against women exhibited by males therefore, is not biological but rather, a product of patriarchy with gender inequality being the root cause. Patriarchy is not biology; it is a weltanschauung that distorts biology.
The Middle Assyrian Laws allowed a man to abuse his wife with impunity, so long as the abuse was confined to whipping her, striking her, plucking out her hair, or mutilating her ears. Source
Once enshrined into law thousands of years ago, violence against women remains a prominent symptom of our androcentric social organization even in today’s democratic society. While all women may be subjected to male violence, the prostitutes, as an inferior class, are particularly vulnerable as the statistics bear out. The torture inflicted on trafficked women and children to deliver them to the European and North American sex market in a state of docile compliance is unimaginable. Women that were abducted on their way home from school report having been raped, severely beaten with belts, and thrown in a bath filled with ice cold water (Approximately 19.000 females are trafficked into the U.S. each year. If each woman is forced to have sex with 7 men per day, times 6-7 days a week, how many American men abuse/rape women each week? You do the math). Women in local prostitution industries experience similar kinds of violence as internationally trafficked women (pdf, pg, 18). Women in strip club prostitution are also subjected to physical and verbal abuse. They are often grabbed on the breasts, buttocks and genitals as well as being kicked, bitten , slapped, spit on and penetrated vaginally and anally (pdf pg, 21), and referred to as whores or sluts. Although no one is going to feel sorry for call girls earning thousands of dollars, but that doesn’t mean women avoid exploitation, violence, and danger altogether by making more money than they would on the streets. The panic buttons in the rooms of the legal Nevada brothels indicate that physical assault is to be expected. The legal brothels in Amsterdam may have as many as three panic buttons in the rooms. Australian women in legal prostitution are advised to take classes in hostage negotiation. (pdf, pg, 30) Not surprising that the majority of prostituted women, when leaving prostitution, suffer from PTSD. Prostitutes in the U.S. in particular, are subject to high levels of violence – this is a direct result of a combination of the extreme power imbalance between the male and the prostitute, the distorted and negative view men hold of the sexual female, and the desire to dominate women.
Regarding the issue of consent and ”˜free will’, there can be no argument that a woman who has been trafficked or coerced into prostitution through poverty, past sexual abuse etc., or is controlled by a pimp who has groomed her to the point that she now consents to be violated, cannot be considered to be in a position to freely choose to consent. The pro prostitution lobby however, desperately clings to the notion that, if a woman, without those extenuating circumstances, consents to be prostituted, she is expressing an act of individual choice that should be accepted and respected as such. This absolves even intelligent and progressive thinkers of any complicity in the objectification, degradation and humiliation of women as it is viewed as a freely chosen agreement between two consenting adults. One has to wonder why supposedly enlightened men who eagerly engage in deep analysis of a multitude of issues never question what would be the underlying reason for why a woman would allow herself to be objectified and dehumanized. Maybe it is because consent to violation is a fact of oppression (pdf, pg, 65) and the dominant class tends to shy away from seeking truth, especially in the realm of sexuality. Familiarity and a feeling of comfort with the state of supremacy may lead some to view gender equality ”“ the great unknown ”“ as something to be feared rather than as an ideal to strive towards.
The apparent and in some cases, real consent of some women to do prostitution is held up by some as proof that self-determined choice can exist. The angle of women’s accommodation to and conditioning by patriarchy is dismissed. The contradiction between individual will and common good is dismissed. Because the fact remains that the institution of prostitution is one of, if not the most blatant form of subordination of women’s bodies and personhood to men’s interests. The consent of some, condemns all women as a group, to continue to be defined as possible providers of sex or sexual merchandise.” Source
There is no typical ”˜John’ as men from all walks of life visit prostitutes. The reasons why men use prostitutes are varied. Following is a list:
1. Sexual frustration because they are not getting satisfying sex elsewhere
2. To appease a sexual appetite – they are hedonists who want to live out their erotic fantasies in a red-light setting.
3. Feel freer to experiment than with their wives or girlfriends.
4. Fee for romance ”“ some men seem to be pursuing the ideal of love in a fee-for-service setting. Many johns prefer to go back to the same prostitute over and over again. (Prostitutes suffer psychologically from trying to wall off their own emotions so that they can sell intimacy as a commodity).
5. Real relationships with women are risky and complicated. Prostitutes are far less exacting than girlfriends and wives and may even be soothing to the psyche. Ordinary men buy sex to deal with their psychological insecurities as well as their sexual needs.
Other researchers disagree that prostitutes serve as a balm for the woes of essentially normal men.
6. John’s are necrophiliacs who commit their acts on socially ”œdead” women. These are men whose sexual desire is switched on by not having to care about the prostitute as a human being””the opposite of the intimacy hypothesis.
7. What turns johns on is the women’s powerlessness. Sex with a prostitute is more about seeking revenge on women or exerting control over them than about a quest for intimacy and romance.
8. In a speech he gave to the European Parliament in 2006, MÃ¥nsson pointed out that johns frequently speak about sex ”œas a consumer product rather than an expression of intimate relations.” One man, he reported, compared sex with a prostitute to ”œgoing to McDonald’s.” Indeed, on the Internet, where a person can remain relatively anonymous, many johns refer to women as ”œmaterial,” Gerheim notes, and may also describe misogynistic submission fantasies.
9. For many of them, MÃ¥nsson opines, a prostitute’s bed represents the last bastion of antifeminism. Only there can men reestablish the traditional male dominance over women. This view is in line with Kathleen Barry’s thesis in her book: “The Prostitution of Sexuality”, which is, she explains, the continuous reconfiguring of sex “on men’s terms” to sustain women’s subordination. (pdf, pg, 37)
Considering the high level of violence against prostitutes, and the continued resistance to gender equality, the latter reasons are the most prevalent.
So what about the non prostitutes – the girlfriends, the partners, and lovers – the ones that are molded to become future wives, and the current wives? Although the pro prostitution lobby objects to any kind of moralizing, there is no shortage of moralizing when discussing female sexuality and no one complains about that. Concern about sexual repression is often brought up in relation to male sexuality but no one seems to worry about the centuries long sexual repression of the female gender. Where can women find satisfying sex if not from their partners? Where can women go to experiment more freely than they might with their husbands or boyfriends? Where can women go to deal with their psychological and sexual needs? Where can women go to get a ”˜boyfriend’ experience? Where can women go for intimacy and romance on demand? But of course, there is no place for women to go. They are the designated ”˜gatekeepers’ of paternity ”“ a decision that was made four thousand years ago, without female consent, no less.
In the West, extreme toxic language rather than the more barbaric form of acid and stone throwing, has been and continues to be effectively used to control the female libido. The English language is saturated with words that have a negative and derogatory connotation for all things related to female sexuality. Since women have been taught to please men (in order to survive), they’ve accepted these descriptions of themselves. Some women therefore, in a show of submissive compliance to the prescriptions of female sexual behavior by the dominant class, may also refer to their sexually active sisters as sluts, cougars, nymphos, or whores. (I remember being called a slut by a woman when I was 19 for innocently having flirted with a couple of boys on a beach). Moreover, the only way non prostitute women know that they indeed are not whores is by insuring that some women are sustained in a separate category, whether they call it prostitute, or they call it “sex work.” (”œThe Prostitution of Sexuality”, pg, 73). Meanwhile, the terms applied to sexually active males are often heralded as statements of high social status among the fraternity and include titles like: player, lady-killer, Casanova, Don Juan, etc.
The extremely negative value judgments attached to the sexually active woman, OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE, force women to see marriage as validation of our sexuality, in fact, as the ONLY validation available to us The stereotype of the sexually promiscuous woman, the prostitute, makes it easy for patriarchal societies to keep us in our “place.” The terror of being called “a slut” or “an easy lay” is used to bludgeon us into submission, into accepting marriage as a “wife” or “mother” as a more tolerable, less despicable form of slavery. Source
Fortunately, the situation has improved somewhat. Many couples are happily married and neither the wives nor the husbands would consider their marriage slavery. Besides, marriage, if it is egalitarian, is worth saving. Female sexuality also is slowly being released from society’s tight grip despite the fact that occasional attempts to promote modesty for the female gender only continue. Until recent times, to have attributed open sexual desire or the shameless pursuit of physical pleasure to a woman would have been to insult her character (BTW, there is a cure for modesty). But the genie of liberated female sexuality is out of the bottle and there is no turning back. However, thousands of years of neglect has left women’s sexuality somewhat in a state of disrepair that is made worse by prostitution. Prostitution does not empower women and it does not assist either man or woman to make positive use of their sexuality. In fact, prostitution harms men and women alike. Consider the fact that a fair number of men prefer the one-way, selfish and disembodied sex with prostitutes over reciprocal sex with other sexually available women. The john is rejecting the sexuality of women society has specifically molded to become (or who are) wives and to bear children.
So what does the culture of prostitution in which THE PENIS rules supreme do for women in general? It’s outright harmful. For example, why is it that many men still fail to understand women’s sexual preferences and that women are still afraid to tell them what they are? Where does this fear come from? “Why do women continue to defer to men” a poster asked on this blog. “Why do we do it”, another said. The answer is simple. Fear has been forced into women’s psyches – their minds are still living with the remnants of the centuries long beatings and shaming practices they have had to endure in order to remain controlled. The authors of the book “Loving to Survive” propose that women’s current psychology is actually a psychology of women under conditions of captivity. Letting go of the fear and charging full force ahead to challenge the status quo requires strength and is often met with severe pushback. When it comes to female sexuality even some of the so called liberal and progressively inclined men leave their worldview behind and step back into the dark ages of repression of the feminine principle.
It is striking to note that while the male and female essences are seamlessly blended or eternally shifting in many myths and customs of cultures around the world, the currently accepted, bifurcated sense of sexuality is not only split; it is predominantly preoccupied with only half of the spectrum. Like nervous photo editors airbrushing away inconvenient reality, the female half of human sexuality is largely missing from the picture. Source
Finally, where do we go from where we are now? If men could shift their focus from themselves for a minute, and look at women with an inquiring mind, they will find that not all women are alike as a new generation of men are already discovering. Some women enjoy rough and tender sex at different times; others like Domination/Submission games, kinky sex (positive), threesomes; some are bisexual while others are homosexual. But they all crave cunnilingus ”“ yes, “it’s the clit, stupid and some lovin”. And casual sex is healthy, fun and is becoming more popular by the day. The point is women enjoy experimenting as much as men do and dislike ”˜boring’ sex just the same. There is no such thing as normal sex and there is more variety within a gender than between genders. Periods of voluntary celibacy are also an option and can be rejuvenating for both sexes. One can employ certain practices and use imagination to keep the spark alive in a monogamous or marital relationship.
I am not advocating for an immoral and decadent society. What’s needed is a new morality for the 21st century – a contemporary morality, not dictated by organized crime or religion but by free men and women who take equal responsibility for ensuring paternity. It requires a weltanschauung that does not view the female as a lesser sexual being but rather, respects and cherishes her libido, allows it to bloom, and places it side by side with her male counterpart. We deserve a society where neither the male nor the female principle dominates but are unified in an egalitarian culture that has no need for prostitutes. Where do we begin? Just remember that, for women, ”œequality” is the greatest aphrodisiac and eventually, it will be for men too. The desire and preference for sexual expression that’s natural, reciprocal, and sometimes spiritual rather than dehumanized and paid for, is the revolution that needs to happen.
I would like to dedicate this essay to the legions of prostitutes, our universal sisters and daughters, who have met a violent and tragic death on behalf of the male sexual experience. Following is a poem and a rose in memory of ”œTHE UNKNOWN PROSTITUTE”.
Cracking in the stiff breeze
Demarcation of death
A life thrown carelessly in a pile of trash
Blue-white glimmer of cold limbs
Odd angles insulting the sidewalk
And a frozen stare defying the moon
Who was she … this delicate corpse
Naked in her un-virginity
Cast aside in bestial rage
A tiny particle of life force
Snuffed out as easily as a candle
Who was she … this scrap of being
No more to offer her immortal soul in exchange
For fleeting comfort for her flesh
She is like soiled garments
Cast aside on concrete’s bosom
Of no more use to man or beast
She lies in clean white splendor now
Not in the tarnished sheets she’d known
But steel … cold and unyielding cradles her
In bright lit splendor while clinical hands
Perform intricacies on her cold flesh
Searching for the essence of her adulterer
What drove that brief span to end so soon
What karmic force took such a precious jewel
What crime against humanity deserved such sentence
Sleep peacefully now sweet flesh
No more will violation be your existence.
That said, despite the fact that the higher priced and consenting prostitutes present only a tiny fraction of the sexual underworld of prostitution…
I’ve been removed from the world of prostitution for quite a number of years now, but when I did seek the services of prostitutes, the oeverwhelming majority I found were not street walkers. Working streets puts you in jail in the State of Texas.
Most prostitutes worked out of strip joints, willingly, although some, notably those affiliated with biker gangs, did have pimps, were considered property and were sold.
In my writing, I speak as though I had extensive experience with prostitutes, when in fact I only slept with 4. One of those was an extremely dissappointing one-time-thing in Mexico, done largely as a result of peer pressure.
The other three were all exotic dancers and affairs developed from two of the three.
I don’t exactly fit your classification of Johns; I’d say I was part of all five groups to a degree, but I had some sort of a (deluded) white knight complex, thinking somehow I could save these women and find a wife. I considered myself a polygamist at the time.
And of course, this didn’t work out.
Prostitutes aren’t the only ones damaged by these encounters: I bear scars to this day and will to the day I die.
I loved those women.
My second novel, Repossessin’ Texas, draws from real life experience. Part of the central plot involves a young man’s affair with a prostitute.
I did inhale.
With all the free porn around… What kind of a loser would actually want to hire a prostitute these days?…
The key thing to remember is that the three largest ‘black’ economies in the world are human trafficking, weapons trafficking and drug trafficking. Corrupt government officials have angles into human trafficking.
Additionally, a major element of the modern colonialism of US military bases involves the very gendered, sexually exploitative nature of the local communities that develop around the bases. There have been some notorious public cases in this area, (Okinawa for one), but generally swept under the rug. This is as fundamental to the foreign military presence as the “SOFA” (Status of Forces Agreement) which legally underpins it.
There are rumors that State Department officials have looked the other way at pedophile networks in places like Thailand — in particular, what kind of diplomatic connections do creeps like that John Mark Kerr guy (who pretended to be JonBenet Ramsey’s killer) have??
I realize most of this discussion is over adult rather than pedophile exploitation; however in practice there seem to be a variety of connections to be found.
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Hongpong.com
I’ve started to look for your name and follow whatever you post.
Your point about the residual slave mentality sounds about right. As to carrying forward the fear in our more enlightened times, I have found that the pressure is still alive and well.
I used to stop by our neighborhood pub for dinner, beer and company most evenings after work. When I started volunteering at the local feminist bookstore the reactions from my buddies at the pub were fascinating. Half a dozen different male buddies challenged me. The challenge consisted of saying something clearly, excessively bigoted about women right to my face. I varied my responses to test their test. Three times I demurred and said nothing. That seemed to be what the guys wanted and they relaxed and seemed to consider our acquaintance still agreeable. Three times I argued against the bigotry. Every time I dared to talk back after being deliberately baited the men got livid with rage and never spoke to me again. Really.
I should probably also mention that the pub in question is a bastion of lefty liberalism. The bigger older lefty pub it spun off from always hosts important Dems who visit our city. Kos stopped there on the promotional tour for his first book. Obviously when I bother to object to sexism among pub patrons I am not talking about Hooters or a sports bar. In those cases I wouldn’t waste anyone’s time being surprised by sexism.
golden moment at the local lefty pub.
One of the neighborhood guys, a local attorney, was about to regale the fellas with stories of his experiences in a Phillippine brothel. I was standing right there and chose to forget my manners on purpose. I fussed and objected loudly to the topic and all the guys who were eagerly gathered around to hear the exotic brothel patron’s stories were annoyed with me.
As to the other comment wondering what kind of loser would care about such things, how innocent you are my son. Of those fellows who were eagerly gathering around to hear about exciting exploits with Phillipino girls, all are stable, married local businessmen and professionals. All married to nice women who would never have anything to do with a loser like me.
In the world of make believe the ones who get excited about third world brothels are the losers. In reality, the brothel fans and patrons are the respected men of the community and their respected wives. The losers are the women who say we are offended by the idea of 300 lb American lawyers getting it on with the underage, underweight daughters of impoverished Phillipino women. All going to show that one thing Phillipino prostitutes and American curmudgeons have in common is the need for a strong gag reflex.
that I wrote this essay to raise consciousness and not to make judgments. You are who you are, and that is, a “real” man in a man’s world. With that in mind I sat down one day to read your book “Ruminations from the Garden”. Although your references to ‘tit’ bars made me cringe, what impressed me most was your general sense of decency and complete lack of hypocrisy. At least, you believe that, if I may use your language, everyone, including women, likes to fuck. The kind of men I despise are the ones (of which unfortunately there are many) that demand modesty from women while promoting sexual freedom for themselves.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
for your recognition. Yes, one has to tread very carefully sometimes in the company of (some) men. I’ve had a lit up lighter (the kind that remains lit until you close it) suddenly thrown in my lap at an open air concert by a guy I barely knew (a friend of a friend). I can’t remember what I was talking about but apparently, whatever it was, I must have come across as too assertive for him. It was really scary as the flame in my lap was quite big.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
On eight occasions in my life I have had sex with prostitutes (Four times in this country. Four times abroad). I am ashamed to admit this.
All were adults.
I have never done this when I was sexually involved with anyone else. On six of the eight occasions I had gone for over a year without sex and just forgot why I didn’t like prostitution. For some reason I felt that I was entitled to have a sex life (I know it’s not an entitlement).
I always treated prostitutes with gentleness and respect — if you can overlook the ungentleness and disrespect inherent in the institution (something I don’t expect people to do).
I am not a sex tourist. I have never left the country with the intention of having sex with a prostitute or anyone I hadn’t already had sex with before. I have never been to a brothel. I have never been to Asia or Mexico (places sex tourists often go).
I don’t consider myself to be superior to prostitutes. I am not a misogynist. I prefer the company of women to men. I have hung out with and enjoyed the company of prostitutes that I had no intention of having sex with. They can be good company and usually are accustomed to speaking their language with non-native speakers. Once I bought dinner at a nice restaurant for a prostitute with whom I had a completely platonic relationship. It was an enjoyable evening.
One time in NYC a woman, in her 30s, I had picked out of the back of the Village Voice obviously didn’t want to be there. The woman who accompanied her had some sort of hold on her. I went ahead with it anyway. I feel like shit whenever I think about it.
Why do I post this? Maybe I’m trying to suggest that although the institution is brutal all johns are not (entirely). Also, I have posted enough personal information on this blog that anyone who is so inclined could figure out who I am, since I am something of a public figure around my home town. As difficult as it may be to believe after reading this post, my reputation around there is much worse than the reality. I have long felt the need to set the record straight. But then people who traffic in slander aren’t interested in the truth.
I heard a Nick Kristof interview on NPR about his book, The Face of Slavery, which gets into trafficking in Asia.
He seems not to refer to it as prostitution anymore, but slavery. And suggests a modern day abolitionist movement. Basically a good idea unless it is just another means to punish the women.
My introduction to the edges of that world were at a small southern county fair in the early ’60′s featuring Blaze Starr, the sometime girlfriend of Huey Long. Blew my mind what went on in those canvas show tents as the local Jesus boys had to know what was going on.
Drafted into the military during VietNam, I got to see the official hypocrisy with sex and the military. All Mom and Apple Pie during the day and then Sex and Drugs and RocknRoll at night.
I ended up at a non combat place in Asia where the party never stopped. I hung out on the edges and just did drugs because I had a girl friend back home and everyone I knew who went with the prostitutes got STD’s that didn’t want to go away. Army hospitals were basically clap clinics.
I think they basically had us divided into the sex addicts and the drug addicts. The druggies could hang out with the girls during the day for socializing and no sex. After dark we got high and they had to work the johns. Lots of interesting stories.
A farm girl sent by her family to the mama san to make money so her brother could be educated even tho she could never go back to her family because of the shame was a real typical story.
I was in China two years ago and was astounded how open and prevalent it was. The pimps had business cards with their girls pictures. It sure came back fast after the communist eradication.
But it’s a difficult thing because you know the Patriarchy and Children of Abraham (JudeoChristianistIslamist) have been blaming the woman at least since Eve and the Garden.
And the Asian Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Confucian cultures of Asia aren’t much better.
So any solution would have to be other than punitive prohibition. Cause as things stand now, it wouldn’t be the men who would pay the price.
and there are a whole of local men with foreign women, many of whom are married. The signs in the bars referring to “tasting the local flavor” aren’t talking about anything in the culinary realm. And I’m happy for them, genuinely. Does money exchange hands in these circumstances? I don’t know, but I wouldn’t be surprised either way.
I’m not sure, on the other hand, that I’m the embodiment of male violence because I got a little extra service at the end of one massage, one time in Thailand last year(yes, she was of age, and no, that wasn’t the reason I traveled there). By doing so I certainly did support an unsavory line of business, and at any rate it was very unsatisfying experience emotionally, so I wouldn’t partake again.
But, I have to say: I’m also not sure that many from the older generations realize what it was like to come of age in the 90s. I was dragged into a sexual harassment discussion because of a non-sexual playground insult before I left elementary school, and the social repercussions were brutal. When I was in my early 20s I was falsely accused of trying to grope a girl at a party, and only barely managed to escape a severe beating as a result. In neither case did I do anything to warrant the treatment I received.
Despite all this, I would say that I’m a male feminist. I agree with the larger thrust of these essays. But you know what? There are a whole lot of double standards out there, and not all of them are applied to women. Were I to go around explicitly calling myself a male feminist, I’d be judged negatively not only by other men but by the vast majority of women.
It’s not at all clear to me that the ideal of true equality will ever be achievable, either. Casual sex of the non-purchased variety is just a lot easier to come by for the average women than the average man. Throw pregnancy into the mix and you’re dealing with quite different situations.
Nobody can know for sure what sort of equilibrium will ultimately be found, but the situation as it stands right now is untenable in longer term. Just look at the divorce rate. Or the popularity of the “Pick Up Artist” movement for males on the one hand, versus something like “The Rules” for women on the other.
Nevertheless, victimization of women is a very real problem. A relative of mine was scammed out of thousands of dollars less than a year ago by a man in Cairo with a sharp wit and a myspace account. He didn’t pimp her out, but he did physically abuse and probably drug her on top of taking her money. No government agency we contacted was willing to help us in any way, and it was by sheer luck that she ended up back at home.
What’s my overall point? I’m not totally sure, but I do think that this is a very, very difficult issue as it affects most everyone in one way or another.
Since federal prosecution cases of trafficking takes years, Gavin Newsom, Mayor of San Francisco and his staff chose to take matters into their hands.
They decided to use the city’s laws to close down establishments that kept trafficked women.
Dr. Johnson Ojo, a Nigerian doctor and San Francisco Health Inspector Ed Walsh, an unlikely couple, form the backbone of the mayor’s effort against sex trafficking.
For the last three years, they have led a team of city officials on a full frontal assault on massage parlors by enforcing new health dept laws designed to root out women who are forced to live on the premises and provide sex to pay off trafficking debt.
The message is loud and clear, San Francisco will not tolerate slavery.
Ed Walsh: We’re gonna have the fire department, fire inspector, the building inspector and the city planner. We’re gonna have a combination of the two police officers from the San Francisco vice squad which will provide us security to get in the facility.
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Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
The Fawcett Society
The Fawcett Charter represents a coalition of leading employers committed to promoting an inclusive work environment by challenging the objectification of women at work.
The need for the Fawcett Charter
By signing the Fawcett Charter, companies pledge their commitment to challenge the objectification of women at work.
How to become a signatory
The Fawcett Charter is open to all employers. Becoming a signatory is simple: download the leaflet from the right of this page, complete the attached form, and return it to the Fawcett Society. The Charter signatory form is also available to download at A4 size.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
It’s not at all clear to me that the ideal of true equality will ever be achievable, either. you give women no hope … and that’s the worst you can do. Generally, when you offer people only ‘hopelessness’, some (the ones that are not strong enough) may spiral into depression and even commit suicide.
I will never give up believing that men also strive for justice and equality. It may take them a long time to get there but eventually they will. Because change can be painful, it is no reason not to try.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
Maybe framing the problem as slavery is the way to place the focus. Was it you, adrena, who posted about how they are addressing this stuff in Sweden? I seem to recall that a big part of the solution was offering a real economic way out for women stuck in such lives. From everything I hear, economic disadvantage seem to be one cornerstone of the problem. So it seems like addressing that would be a big step forward.
Beyond that, I’m thinking about Born Into Brothels, which really shows the cultural side of it. Among the girls the film followed, some were allowed to let the filmmaker help them escape brothel culture. Others were compelled by their female relatives to enter the brothels when they came of age, despite the way out offered by the filmmaker.
These days in some settings where women seem to have plenty of say-so, I hear stories that sound like the things kovacs talks about. A friend who has enjoyed a long career in the film industry told me about a disappointing date. He was on location and a buddy told him one of the gals on the set had her eye on him. My friend was only too happy to take her out and did his best to make the date special. Took her to the theatre and then brought her home and made her a gourmet dinner. Next day on the set his buddy was livid. Told him that was the LAST time he would ever introduce him to any women. Seems my friend’s date had been furious because all she wanted him to do was give her drugs and fuck her.
Maybe there is a point when, in some places, old injustices have been remedied and the playing field is, for the most part, level. When that happens, maybe ongoing efforts to spread justice and balance need to keep the focus on places and situations where the problems are dire and obvious. In places where the old injustices no longer operate as they once did, recognize that and don’t make the mistake of dragging in yesterday’s framing when it is no longer relevant. Maybe once communities reach a certain baseline of balance, caped crusaders are no longer needed, because the constituences all have enough power to sort out the changes going forward among themselves.
for telling this difficult story. I hope things will turn out ok for you.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
a liberal one, I might also be a little apprehensive about changing a status quo that puts me on a pedestal. It is understandable therefore, that subtle resistance such as sarcasm is used to stifle discussion. But it is unfortunate when it happens on a site that is all about discussion.
You mentioned a few things in your post, kovacs, that gave me cause to reflect. One of them is this statement Casual sex of the non-purchased variety is just a lot easier to come by for the average women than the average man. Why would this be? I believe more women would jump at the idea of carefree casual sex if society set them free, sexually that is. So you see, by freeing women, men will benefit too.
That said, what can you do in the meantime. I myself was never interested in picking up a guy in a bar. In my premarital days, I had no problems meeting men at all the courses I took (I’m addicted to taking courses). I picked up two guys, not at the same time, in my photography classes. One date was arranged in the dark room. Another two, again, not at the same time, during several courses I took at the “Goethe Institute” in conversational German. Then again, I’ve taken courses where I didn’t meet anyone I was interested in. So, I admit, meeting someone in the above scenario is a question of luck and can be time consuming.
A better idea, therefore, might be to check out an activity that was mentioned in the video I posted in my essay. Dr. Joy talks about ‘sex positive’ parties. Since I wasn’t familiar with the concept I decided to explore. Well kovac, I’m pleased to report that there is a whole new, and exciting world waiting for you. And guess what, there are literally thousands of women that want YOU. So I’d say, go for it. Explore, participate and if there isn’t one near the place you live, organize one yourself.
So get off your butt on that Caribbean island and get cracking. There’s no reason for you not to have sex that’s natural, exciting, kinky, spiritual or whatever pleases you.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
utilized the “services” of a prostitute but I am amazed at the number of men I know from Boeing who worked overseas, Japan, Germany, and South Africa primarily, who did and who still want to regale one with their stories like they had achieved some milestone in life. Along with the stories of smuggling rubies from India and god knows what else from other countries. I did go to a srip joint once when I was in my early 20′s but I felt sorry for the women who had to dance and strip to make money and so never went back.
This is a good thing to post about Adrena, well done and thank you!
“I beseech you in the bowels of christ think it possible you may be mistaken.”
that the people in my hometown didn’t make me an object of scorn because of my involvement with prostitutes. They started writing about me on walls more than ten years before the first time I had sex with a prostitute. They started making me a cartoon character in the local newspaper about five years into the eight years between the first time and the second time. These people are cowardly shitbags. They won’t confront me and give me a chance to respond to their allegations. Instead they just gather every bit of unsubstantiated gossip floating around about me and dump it all into the public consciousness whenever I settle in one place long enough for them to find out about it.
I am editing this month-old comment knowing that if anyone reads it it will be some member of the staff. I do this because I read something in a post that indicated that someone might have contacted one or more of the Agonist regulars by personal mail with allegations about me. I want to be certain that you know exactly what I think of these people. What you decide to believe is your business. I am quite aware that my contributions are not valued here. I am also aware that I may be giving the impression of being a psychopath. Just so you don’t worry too much I assure you that I have absolutely no history of violence or stalking or anything like that and no intention of starting now.
I think it was just a matter of convenience for them. As a 17 and 18-year old I was involved in the disturbances after Kent State in 1970 and I cultivated the most radical friends I could. Later, I unknowingly married into an ongoing soap opera. Scapegoating me seemed to be part of the healing process (for them) that took place later in the 70s.
None of this excuses my sexual involvement with prostitutes although it might explain why I have enjoyed spending time with other outcasts.
I can see you’re not a prude.
I, too, am a compulsive course taker — many in languages. However, I never met any sex partners in one — even when I took a “How to meet other singles” class. Incredibly, I am not hideously ugly or fat. I haven’t developed much in the way of social skills, though.
…
vegas wanted it stamped out so folks would fly to their brothels. or the mexicans wanted folks to come down there.
assuming purity of heart in this world (IMO) is a wrong strategy.
Just to see your name warmed my heart. Your recognition is very much appreciated.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
Why waste negative entropy on comments, when you could use the same entropy to create bugs instead? Steve Elias
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
One cannot have a curious mind and be a prude at the same time. CURIOSITY is my second name. Just ask my brothers.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
said recognition. You write good things, many times from directions I had not thought of before.
Am doing pretty good, this is a learning process and I have learned a bit and plan to spend a little more time around here now that I am pretty much just humming along doing my chemo every three weeks and will be starting to volunteer at the Sal. Army come Monday. Gotta do something else I will die of cabin fever. I think I will be working with homeless families again, which is a good way to spend one’s time no matter how much time there is to spend.
“I beseech you in the bowels of christ think it possible you may be mistaken.”
I will enjoy seeing you around again.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
Landburg’s theory is food for thought. He provides interesting responses to reader’s comments in an addendum.
Much more
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
“Go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you’ve imagined.” -Henry David Thoreau
and that is – relaxing restrictive morality, for women in particular, will eradicate the institution of prostitution. Then, there’s also something to be said for monogamy. Are we ready for a sea change in our way of thinking?
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
I was slowed down further because I followed several of your links. Following the links was a wise choice on my part because I became increasingly comfortable with your ideas and the whole thrust of your thesis.
Within the last few years my sex life has changed more rapidly than I would have liked (prostate surgery damage to nerves which has slowly improved greatly but not returned to its previous state) and because in that time I considered buying sex I found myself a bit defensive towards the arguments of your essays. And when I posted a defensive toned comment to your essay I, you took it as sarcasm.
The other thing that I have been doing of late, preceding the surgery, and definitely continuing afterward, is using pornography. Again I felt defensive that you were or would be advocating that that be taken away from me, not me personally, of course.
Without going into detail, my point is that I am probably an important “target market” for your politics. A liberal/progressive thinking man who through his attempts to keep a full sexual life is potentially walking a fine line, indeed sometimes crossing it, of harm to women and by extension himself.
Yet with this essay, and your associated links, my defensiveness is relieved. Not that I don’t have to be careful with what I do, but rather I can see that my larger goals align with yours and I can see ways to even align my own efforts to maintain my sexuality.
I’m sorry I’m being so vague and abstract here. I’m simply not comfortable talking about this in this medium. I really like this essay and your entire approach to human sexuality. Thanks very much.
(btw I followed up on this comment of yours here.)
I’m pleased you took the time to explore the links I provided and that you found them useful. Pornography is not a black and white issue – there is ample gray area … but more on that in my final essay. I hope your physical condition will keep improving. Bona fortuna!
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
If something is worth doing, the old saying goes, then it is worth doing well. And if that something involves sex, well then, it must be worth doing again. And again. And again. If you can, that is. There’s that whole refractory-period thing to think about. Which perhaps explains the 37-year gap between Alex Comfort’s The Joy of Sex and his new offering, The Joy Of Sex: The Ultimate Revised Edition: The Timeless Guide To Lovemaking, though that would be one heck of a refractory period, given the ubiquity these days of Cialis, Viagra and Levitra. Personally, I think his death in 2000 had something to do with the delay.
….. The job of adding original material was handed to Susan Quilliam, a British relationships psychologist and sexologist.
….. substantial additions have been made. Many of these are informational; there have been countless key scientific discoveries in recent years in the fields of physiology, psychology, psychotherapy, and medicine, while the advent of sexology — the specialist study of sexual matters — has resulted in both rigorous academic research and a more widespread public awareness of, and skill in, sex.”
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Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
You’ve been in many thoughts and prayers over the past months.
And yes it’ll be good to get back into working with the homeless, just ensure that you take it easy.
I’ve always wondered why in yesteryear certain catholic men went out of their way to assist prositutes, and got sainted for it, but nowadays I don’t seem to hear of any clergy actively working to help prostitutes at the local level.
Some of us are also socially inept.
I personally have not had a real date or relationship in 5 years. I am close to throwing in the towel. Not sure anymore if it’s looks, approach or just karma. I shoot movies(sci-fi, horror) working on my 2nd feature, am active, working on my advanced medical degrees but….
The “Dates” I have managed (6 total in 5 years) none have lasted more than 30 mins…
I am not sure what to think anymore. Ones confidence tends to erode after these kinds of experiences. I even shy away from going out anymore, other than school.
I have gone to the cathouses of Nevada now 3 times. I was well treated and I know the women are also well treated there. Some of us simply go because a life of enforced loneliness is otherwise to much to bear.
… relationship problems with women is a prominent symptom of long term suppression of female sexuality by the dominant class. All the more reason to put an end to it. In the meantime, online dating has become quite acceptable and you could also try out one of those ‘positive sex parties’ that I talked about in another post.
What do you suggest women do with “a life of enforced loneliness”?
For every two prostitutes that are well treated, eight prostitutes are abused. And you’re keeping the abuse alive each time you chose to be a john.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
the institution of prostitution is synonymous with drugs and violence. Organized crime does not tolerate interference from anyone – putting a bullet into a Good Samaritan priest’s head means nothing to them.
Also, it is not easy to gain access to prostitute women outside of sex. It might be easier maybe to help street prostitutes, but even then, the pimps are known to be violent. There are outreach programs for street prostitutes but those are mainly run by nurses and/or social workers in tandem with the police department and may include former prostitutes.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
in this case from Drudge; first sister? second sister? both sisters? and how?
Student auctions off virginity for offers of more than £2.5 million
Natalie Dylan, 22, claims her offer of a one-night stand has persuaded 10,000 men to bid for sex with her.
Last September, when her auction came to light, she had received bids up to £162,000 ($243,000) but since then interest in her has rocketed.
The student who has a degree in Women’s Studies insisted she was not demeaning herself.
Miss Dylan, from San Diego, California, USA, said she was persuaded to offer herself to the highest bidder after her sister Avia, 23, paid for her own degree after working as a prostitute for three weeks.
She said she had had a lot of attention from a wide range of men, including “weirdos”, “those who get really graphically sexual about what they want to do to me” and “lots of polite requests from rich businessmen”.
Miss Dylan said she did not think it was particularly significant to be willing to sell your virginity and insisted that she was happy to undergo medical tests for any doubters.
She said: “I get some men who are obviously looking for a girlfriend but I try and make it clear that this is a one-night-only offer.
“I know that a lot of people will condemn me for this because it’s so taboo but I really don’t have a problem with that.
“My study is completely authentic in that I truly am auctioning my virginity but I am not being sold into this. I’m not being taken advantage of in any way.
“I think me and the person I do it with will both profit greatly from the deal.”
She added: “It’s shocking that men will pay so much for someone’s virginity, which isn’t even prized so highly anymore.”
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/northamerica/usa/4222155/Student-auctions-off-virginity-for-offers-of-more-than-2.5-million.html
http://mauberly.blogspot.com/
I think you’re encouraging relationship problems. In my opinion, having a relationship with a prostitute is fine for someone in his position.
i.e. men and women should not get married if it’s not the right thing to do. Moreover, lying about your feelings– for the sake of sex, isn’t very nice.
Honesty is important.
your attitude takes my hope away since you have such a dark opinion of men.
as you know, I’m scared of women like Madeline Albright who thought that 500,000 dead Iraqi children were worth the price.
I’m scared of women like Kindaliesa Rice who will say anything to achieve power.
in short: you’re too obsessed with gender.
i.e. my brothers wife has both a dark side and a light side. she used to care about people but– now that she has money, she’s happy to step on other people to get her way.
I am too obsessed with gender is like saying that Numerian is too obsessed with finances. And that is a good thing because we both want to correct injustices in our chosen field.
Negativity is an addiction to the bleak shadow that lingers around every human form … you can transfigure negativity by turning it toward the light of your soul.
JOHN O’DONOHUE, Anam Cara: A Book of Celtic Wisdom
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
This is not about what women will do but rather, it’s about what men desire from women. As I explained in my essay, Natalie Dylan is merely taking advantage, and making a financial killing in the process, of society’s prescribed female sexual behavior. As she said, “It’s shocking that men will pay so much for someone’s virginity, which isn’t even prized so highly anymore.” It goes to show that men still know very little about female sexuality and may not fully understand their own.
If a man wishes to settle down and starts looking for a potential mate with whom he wishes to have a long term and satisfying sexual relationship he should think twice about marrying a virgin.
“This study suggests that sexual experimentation is a normal developmental process, and when this process is inhibited or not guided, there can be poor sexual health outcomes.”
Gina Ogden, a Boston-based sexuality expert and author of “The Heart and Soul of Sex.” has this to say.
When both a man and a woman bring sexual experience to the marital bed therefore, the likelihood that they will develop a healthy, sexual relationship is strong
It is evident that the patriarchal model of society has truly ‘fucked up’ human sexuality – not just for women, but for men as well.
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
MalcomX didn’t get anywhere until he went to Mecca (I heard). after that, he forgave the white men he once hated and had far more influence.
don’t like the trading of sex, period? Or is it the way it is traded in our culture to which you object?
There is going to be sexual behavior no matter what the culture. It will be possible to trade it in one form or fashion.
Let me add:
“It goes to show that men still know very little about female sexuality and may not fully understand their own.”
If so, women ought to be getting the best of the bargain.
http://mauberly.blogspot.com/
Tolerating prostitution is tolerating abuse and torture of women and children.
http://mauberly.blogspot.com/
CNN, By Elizabeth Landau, January 22
Is a woman’s virginity worth $3.8 million? That’s how much a 22-year-old from San Diego, California, said she has been offered through an auction she announced in September.
The woman, who goes by “Natalie Dylan,” set up a private auction through the Moonlite Bunny Ranch, a legal brothel in Nevada, has given her lots of “business opportunities,” she said.
Her top bid comes from a 39-year-old Australian, but she has no immediate plans to settle the auction, she said in a recent interview with CNN.
Some men may seek virgins because they want them as trophies, or desire purity. But as to why men would bid so much money on virginity, she said she has no answer.
“I honestly don’t know what they see in it,” she said.
If you think Dylan’s auction amounts to prostitution, she completely agrees. She also said she’s not breaking any laws — after all, prostitution in Nevada is legal.
“I feel people should be pro-choice with their body, and I’m not hurting anyone,” she said. “It really comes down to a moral and religious argument, and this doesn’t go against my religion or my morals. There’s no right or wrong to this.”
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.
By the way, on his website:
The auction is annulled and cancelled. -
No bids have been or will be accepted.
A very amazing person has taken pity on me and offered me a real job in my chosen line of work.
The fact that someone came forward to help me amidst all the hatred has completely changed the way I look at people. Sorry to sound cheesy, and I know that everyone will take great delight in mocking me, but you need to understand that I’m in somewhat of an emotional state right now — the last 48 hours have been the most intense experience of my life and have taught me a tremendous amount.
“The best-informed man is not necessarily the wisest. Indeed there is a danger that precisely in the multiplicity of his knowledge he will lose sight of what is essential.”
- Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Should I follow any rules?
Kira Cochrane thinks not. Her advice is to ignore dating tactics and simply get out and meet people.
The Guardian, By Kira Cochrane, January 24
I didn’t realise that there were specific rules for dating until I turned 20 and crossed the Atlantic to study in the small town of Davis, California. Before this I had always adhered to the British adolescent school of relationship formation – namely, go to a party, down some drinks, make eye contact with a person you fancy, proceed to kissing and often much more, wake up the next morning to find that you have magically become one half of a couple, then spend the following weeks, months, and sometimes years, discovering whether you have anything whatsoever in common. Living in Brighton, this approach had led me into clinches with a long-haired guy who worked in the pound shop, and with a foreign exchange student who was obsessed with Scrabble, became a born-again Christian, and then revealed that he was gay. In other words, it had served me well.
In the US, I discovered, they took a different tack. Namely, dating. I had heard of dating, of course, but I had no idea about the precise mechanics of the concept; the fact that this approach proceeded within tightly-observed boundaries. Chaos was out, order was in. I quickly discovered that dating was often a prelude to an exclusive relationship – in fact, it was perfectly acceptable to juggle 10 potential partners or more while weighing up their relative attributes. This seemed exhausting and strange. Why would you go out with someone that you didn’t necessarily like? I also discovered that dates were usually organised in a fairly formal fashion, with it being considered completely normal for a man to march up to a woman – it was almost always the man who approached the woman – after a class, or in the office, or at the gym, and to ask her out very directly, to her face, while entirely sober. This seemed potentially awkward.
I also learned of the third-date rule – the most central and widely recognised of all dating rules – which decrees that there should be no sex until the third date, however much you might actually desire sex before this point. As with many other dating rules, this is only really supposed to be observed by heterosexual women: it is fully accepted that men will try and have sex before the third date, and it is the female role to hold them back. Dating rules almost always cast the man as aggressor, and the woman as prey, which frankly makes me feel nauseous.
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.
[Not particularly family-friendly...]
The Other Side of Desire – Amazon listing
Also: New York Times Magazine: What Do Women Want?
What does it mean that womens’ physiological arousal does not track their expressed preferences?
They sicken of the calm, who knew the storm.