Newbie Bm Is At Wits' End And Needs Advice!

Q: I'm a BM in the wedding of a dealy-loved friend of mine - we've known each other for 22 years. This wedding has been unending stress for this bride. Her mother and sister have been duking it out to see who can get more in the face of the bride and wrestle away more control of the wedding (example - mother insisting on throwing the bridal shower despite what the etiquette books say, vs. sister giving a speech at the shower full of fiction about how good she was to the bride when the bride was little). Her best friend, the MOH, has been so visibly jealous of the upcoming nuptials, she was 3 hours late to the shower, has been absent from every shopping trip and fitting, and tried to push the planning of the bachelorette onto me, not once, but twice. Everyone else in the party is related to the groom - leaving me as the one recipient of venting for the bride. And this bride, the kind of bride who insists she is going to the reception site in full makeup and veil to make sure everything is "true to the vision in her head," has been locked in one unending vent! For the bridesmaid tea this afternoon, I made the bridesmaid gifts of jewelry for all 6 attendants - sterling/Swarovski crystal bracelets, earrings and necklaces. The bride bought the materials, and I put 18 hours of labor into these gifts. Ordinarily for pieces like these I would charge about $80 a set, but I gave her the labor free. In effect, I made my own present as well. Bride told me today at the tea she wants me to make her bridal jewelry set, requiring a trip to a shop an hour away, and more labor time (and as I work and go to school both full-time, time is not something I easily find). I love this girl like a sister, but I am tired of this wedding, tired of being pulled out of class with frantic 911 calls on my cell phone while the MOH hides, tired of drama like "people being able to see your shoes don't exactly match your dress," tired of placating her tyrannical mother, unhappy that I made my own present (ok, I got a special "bridesmaid" handkerchief for my labor), and now resentful that I have to find still -more- time to make her set, which I have less than 2 weeks to do and am getting this last-minute request specifically because the set she wanted cost $500! I'm willing to do this, but I want to tell her when I give her this last set that she is now holding her wedding present from me, because frankly I think the 21 hours total of labor from me, for which I would normally charge, is a solid gift. But I don't know how to tell her this. Am I in the right, or do I still owe her a gift?

A:Being a good bridesmaid and loving the bride like a sister does not mean you have to roll over and lay like a doormat. This is a perfectly lovely gift from you to her. However, you are still obligated for a wedding gift for the both of them. It need not be lavish... something small from the registry will do just fine. As others have suggested, when you finish the jewelry, wrap it up very nicely and say this is your personal gift from you to her. As to the calls, heavens, turn off the phone, or at least get caller ID so you can have the option of selecting the calls you will take. The phone is for YOUR convenience, not anyone else's. And if someone asks you to handle this extra duty or that which is out of your area or puts you in a position for which you did not agree to, you always have the option of saying: "I'm sorry, but I won't able be to." No reason need be given for refusing; just repeat that you will be "unable" as often as necessary with a kind voice.

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