Irish Baby Jewelry

Q: Can someone please post a few Irish jokes suitable for use at a St. Patrick's Day meeting of a Church Ladies' Group.

A:Pat went into the jewelry store, pulled out his pocket watch and told the clerk it wasn't working. The clerk unscrewed the back and opened it up and a little cockroach fell out. Pat exclaimed, "no wonder it didn't work, the engineer is dead!" Pat and Mike were very good friends and Pat came over to Mike's house to visit. When he entered the home, Mike wasn't there. Mike's wife was holding their baby and trying to put up curtains at the same time. She said, "Pat, I'm glad you came, would you mind holding the baby while I finish the curtains?" A few minutes later, Pat came in and said to Mike, "How Ya doin Mike?" Mike replied, "I'm holding my own". That's when the battle started. There's a guy from Ireland driving through Europe and an English guy driving in the opposite direction. In the middle of the night with no other cars on the road they hit each other head on and both cars go flying off in different directions. The Irish fella manages to climb out of his car and survey the damages. He looks at his twisted car and says, "Jasus, I am really lucky to be alive!" Likewise, the Englishman scrambles out of his car and looks at his wreckage. He too says to himself, "I can't believe I survived this wreck!" The Englishman walks over to the Irishman and says, "Hey man, I think this is a sign from God that we should put away our petty differences and live as friends instead of such rivals." The Irishman thinks for a moment and says, "You know, you're absolutely right! We should be friends. Now I'm gonna see what else survived the wreck." So, the Irishman pops open his trunk and finds a full-unopened bottle of Paddy Powers Irish Whiskey. He says to the English fella, "I think this is another sign from God that we toast to our new found understanding andfriendship." The Englishman says, "You're damn right!" and he grabs the bottle and starts sucking down the Irish Whiskey. After putting away nearly half the bottle, the Englishman hands it back to the Irish fella and says, "Your turn!" The Irish fella twists the cap back on the bottle and says, "Nahh, I think I'll wait for the cops to show up." The Queen is visiting the Pope in the Papal City in Rome. The visit is going wonderfully and everyone is happy. They have tea, chat for an hour or two and then stand on the balcony over looking St. Peter's square for a public appearance and photoshoot. The Pope holds out his had and makes the sign of the cross over the gathered Italian devotees. A deafening cheer raises itself from the Italians, and dies away only after a long time. Their adoration is apparent. The Queen looks out of the corner of her eye at the Pope. Clearly unimpressed she waves her hand in they way she has been doing for years and suddenly thousands of Union Jacks appear and all the English in the square shout and cheer for her Majesty. There is no doubt that the Queen is loved by many. The Pope accepts the Queen's challenge, and says, "Watch how I can makethe Irish love me". Her Majesty is doubtful, but the Irish are trembling with excitement, they know their due a tribute soon. Their not to be disappointed. His Holiness raises his hand, and he punches the Queen.

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