Early Signs Of Depression ?
Q: If it is not too much trouble, I would like
some experiences shared -- namely, what you early signs of depression
were. My current (and first) crash started about two and a half
months ago. I was going along in life, thought I was pretty happy,
and then I started to feel some abnormal anxiety begin to well up in me.
I had a panic attack or two (had no idea what the were so they pretty
much scared the shit out of me) and it seemed like the anxiety just
seemed to well up in me even more. Eventually, I knew something was
severely messed up, Now, the world has been shut away from me, and
the only emotion I seem to have left is the insatiable horrible anxiety,
and impending doom sort of feeling.
A:I have been suffering from chronic depression for so long that I
don't remember what the early signs were. I do remember as early as 7 years
old, feeling like I was standing on the outside looking in, like I really
wasn't a part of the world around me. Then, I felt like my heart was
breaking....you know that physical hurt in your chest....but never knew why
I was feeling that way. I was raised in a family that didn't recognize
depression as an illness but rather as a frame of mind that I brought on
myself. After 30 years and 4 suicide attempts, I finally told our family
doctor how I was feeling. At first, he said that anyone in my position
would be depressed (our 17 Year old son had just been diagnosed with
disorganized schizophrenia and nobody in the family would help me with him)
but I told doctor that I had felt like that forever.
Today, I am feeling a crash coming. I find it hard to smile let alone
laugh. It seems like every other breath is a sigh. I can't say that I am
feeling anxiety or panic.......just sad......very,very sad.
For myself, the first things to go are the daily things that just don't
seem to be important. The very first to go is the shower upon awakening.
I put it off until just before work, I work nights. Then my appetite
goes for a shit. I usually lose 10~15 pounds in a 6 week slump. After
the loss of appetite and personal hygeine are gone, everything goes to
hell for 6 to 8 weeks, then back to quasi-normal.
The horrible/wonderful thing about this ng. is that we can all
identify with these experiences. I receive many shivers of empathy as
I read the posts. I can certainly identify with yours so my heart
goes out to you.
I feel sorrow for your grief and pain. Hang in there and find a
medical/therapeutic team to help you. Stay with the group too.
I have an experience so close to what you describe that it's uncanny.
For more than forty years I have struggled with that same kind of
feeling with only occasional success. The practice of Zen mediation
has given me more relief than anything else, but it remains to this
day only a temporary solution.
Like yourself, I have always felt an unbridgeable gulf between myself
and those I have loved. Today, I have a loving wife, a wonderful
friend, four loving dogs who have done